Mind The GAP!

The GAP.

The first time I heard this word used as a reference to a specific matter was in the school I was then teaching in and it meant the one year break students would take before entering university in order to travel around the world. Later I learnt that this phrase referred to the space created between thin thighs and was a mark of beauty for certain women. In this week’s tutorial the word carried a different meaning that I honestly was not able to catch and display in a sentence or two clearly. But from what transpired, my guess would be that The GAP refers to the disconnect between your present state and the desired future state yet to be achieved and may seem challenging to be achieved. It has its cause(s) and attached emotional content, a challenge for both coach and client to identify and find ways to overcome (i.e. bridge The GAP). To the two questions Coach Mel asked in the beginning of this tutorial, yes, I think it is the presence and the awareness of The GAP that often spurs the need for coaching and very often serves as a launching point. Isn’t coaching helping the client find her way from Point A across The GAP to arrive to Point B?

It seems that The GAP is created by certain conditions within the client – much to do with her self-belief and emotional condition – which when the coach is able to shine a light on, brings awareness to the client of her internal GAP-creating condition. This exposure then helps the client to take the initial steps to cross over The GAP. The three causes identified and presented to us – Denial (Do I have a problem?), Self-Blame (It’s all my fault) and Despair (I’m doomed) – reveal an unhealthy cognitive and emotional state a client may be in and this leads to the creation and lengthening of The Gap. I guess it’s via active listening and powerful questioning, the possible cause will be unearthed and the closing of The GAP may begin. This closing of The GAP begins as the coach helps the client Identify the cause, Invites the client to explore the cause and then to Ignite the client’s inner being to take hope-filled action. This seems to be a ‘hard-work’ process for coach and client but worth the sweat.

When an internal cause is identified, Coach Mel suggested we dig deeper and seek to identify the cause of the cause. Again he suggested three potential sources we could explore with our clients.

1. Values – a disconnect between what we say we value or do value and the time and effort actually spent to uphold and manifest those values.
2. Beliefs – a disconnect between the beliefs we hold and the actual manifestation of those beliefs in life (what we believe is not experienced and/or we fail to defend the belief)
3. Time – a disconnect between what we plan to do in/with our time and what we actually do with our time.

This mismatch, this unrealized and unmanifested present state as compared to what is expected or believed most probably is the true mother of The GAP. Discovering the root of The GAP seems daunting yet interestingly challenging, offering an opportunity for transformation if discovered and acted upon wisely.

Becoming aware of The GAP, identifying its causes and then working together to assist the client to close THE GAP is an act of cooperation between coach and client.

I found it interesting and thought provoking when Coach Mel then gave three questions we could ask our clients dealing with The GAP. These questions I believe are birth from the belief (assumption?) the client may have created and maintained The GAP and that’s why it’s a standing stronghold in their lives. In order to answer the question “Where is The GAP coming from and why it is still in existence?” the following questions could be offered to the client:

• What is the PAIN you are avoiding by having The GAP?
• What is the GAIN you are experiencing by maintaining The GAP?
• What is the CHANGE you will welcome into your life when The GAP is closed?

Finally when all the soul searching is done, the light comes on and the muck is identified, the client is to be encouraged and assisted to take action to bring about change, and in this case to close The GAP and welcome the experienced promised to all who reach Point B. Coach Mel’s 3 step action plan is a basic response for any action plan that wants to succeed.

1. Identify a clear goal or destination (Be very clear what it means/looks like/feels when you have crossed over to Point B).
2. Create an action plan (What are the necessary steps and system of accountability you will set up?)
3. Have a plan that reflects your commitment (How fast do you want to close The GAP and the level of seriousness in achieving this)

Overall, the tutorial this week felt like a walk through a new part of an interesting park, guided by an experienced and knowledgeable park guide that left me aware yet uncertain of what to do next when I reached the end of this section of the park. I guess I have a gap to fill, between what I think I know and what I will do with this information in my future coaching practice.

"What's Your Question, Coach?"

 

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

What are you now thinking after reading the question above? Of course, your favorite ice cream flavor! My question temporarily hijacked your mind and for a moment I got you to focus on only one thing – ice cream. That’s the power of a question. It triggers your mind to automatically think (think focus) on the subject matter in the question posed. The moment you hear a question, you literally can’t think of anything else! Questions can indeed be a powerful tool in coaching (some say the most powerful).

Instinctive elaboration. That’s the term we were introduced to by Coach Wendy (thanks) which describes what I have just mentioned and it caught my attention. When seeking to answer why questions are powerful, I believe it is good to begin by recognizing the power questions have to help the mind focus on one subject and uncover at least an answer and if this happens, the possibility of the client gaining insight and/knowledge increases.

Another interesting question-mind related response is the “mere measurement effect” where just by asking a client about their future decisions significantly influenced those decisions. In other wors, thinking about a question posed increases the likelihood of acting or creating the change or conditions that the question encouraged the client to consider. In a study by Morwitz, Johnson and Schmitlein showed that by asking people if they were going to buy a car within six months increased their purchasing rates by 35%. “Are you going to take the steps you identified today within this week?” is a powerful closed ended question that could increase the possibility of the client taking action.

As you lick a lemon slice you just cut, what does it taste like?

Even as you begin to think of the answer, most probably you have begun to salivate, an action beyond your control triggered by a question. Questions that require the client to bring into play one or more of her senses when creating an answer has greater impact on the client, making her answers more ‘real’. The more the brain contemplates on a behavior that involves the senses, the more likely the client will engage in it, experience a shift in thinking and even alter body chemistry. Questions that help the client engage with her senses could be like, “If you do what you decided, how would your situation be different?” or “How would you act if the situation was reversed?” or “Based on what you have said, how do you see yourself five years from now?”

Asking powerful questions helps provide the client with answers she can then use to create her own actions. Powerful questions creates curiosity and is guided by the agreed goal at the beginning of the session. ‘Keeping an eye on the desired outcome’- is the key to creating the questions a coach would ask throughout the coaching session. So what are some of the characteristics of a powerful questions? Here are some suggestions:

• questions that reveal the information needed for maximum benefit to the coaching relationship and the client
• questions that reflect active listening and an understanding of the client’s perspective
• questions that evoke discovery, insight, commitment or action (e.g., those that challenge the client’s assumptions)
• questions that create greater clarity, possibility or new learning
• questions that move the client towards what they desire, to look forward

As coaches, we have the opportunity to use this powerful tool – questions – to assist our clients to think about their situations, goals, needs, environments and more as well as giving them the time and space for them to think, for reflection. For starters, open ended questions ae a safe bet. Open ended questions usually start with ‘what,’ and ‘how,’ or statements such as ‘tell me about…’ or ‘explain to me more about…’

Here are some sample questions:

• What would you like to achieve from this session?
• How did you do that?
• Tell me about your experience with…..

Even so, there are actually so many types of questions you could ask. Again, it is determine by the agreed goal of the session, your level of curiosity in the context of careful listening, being fully present and attuned to the needs of the client. As a guide, lean more towards creating and posing questions that help the client

• Gain clarity, understanding, and perspective.
• Experience deeper or alternative thinking.
• Have her current thinking challenged.
• Encouraged to evaluate herself and her situation.
• Explore options.
• Explore facts, thoughts, and feelings.
• Look at issues from a different point of view.
• Plan and take action.

Two types of questions I would like to better create and incorporate in my coaching sessions are solution-focused questions (questions that assist the client to identify possibilities and action that she could take to reach the agreed goal) and reflective questions (which will challenge me to keep quiet, listen and give safe space for my client to consider options or evaluate what was said). Here are some questions I would like to use more often:

• What would you like to achieve from this session?
• What progress have you made so far?
• What would it mean to achieve success?
• “You said, you are upset about the changes…., tell me more?”
• “You sound concerned, but I’m also sensing you are little excited. What is the cause of this?”

Growing up, I enjoyed watching detective stories on television. One scene remains in my mind (though I have forgotten the drama series and who the actors were). Two detectives are talking at a bar and a younger rather upset detective asked the senior, more successful detective this question: How come you always get the bad guy? The senior detective looked at the other detective as said in a rough voice, “I ask the right questions”. Ask a wrong question and you get a wrong answer. Crafting questions that will enable your client to gain insights and knowledge that will eventually lead to action and change is a skill every coach can and must sharpen. You know you hit the nail on the head when your client says something like this:

•  “No one ever asked me that before.”
• “That’s a good question!”
• “I never given thought to that before”

So to recap, powerful questions are produced when the questions you create and pose do one or more of the following:

• Make the client evaluate new information.
• Helps the client qualify needs.
• Questions the client’s personal goals.
• Makes the client think before giving a response.
• Helps the client focus on themselves and what possible response they have for the situation

 

 

 

 

 

So What Are You Going To Do Now?

A tweet from a mufti caught my eye. He said, “Action is the fruit of knowledge, and knowledge without any action is like a tree without any fruits”

The often used adage ‘knowledge is power’ is false. Knowledge is potential power and it is only powerful when it is translated into action, especially do-able action that promotes transformation and good, both to the doer and those affected by her actions. This truth seems to be what Core Competency 8. Facilitates Clint’s Growth is built upon and I wholeheartedly embrace the outcome emphasized by this competency – action must proceed insight(s) gain during a coaching session.

The ICF definition for Core Competency 8 highlights some key elements of this insights-into-action goal: Partners with the client to transform learning and insight into action. Promotes client autonomy in the coaching process. I love the idea that the magic of taking insights gained from the coaching session and creating a plan to ensure appropriate and effective action is taken is termed as ‘transforming’ – a powerful word highlighting the complete change of one form into another very different form – the metamorphosis of intangible ideas into physical actions that may bring change in various planes of existence.

The definition also highlights the absence of the coach in this transformation and his minimal interference in the process of using insights to create an action plan by the client for her own active involvement, or as mentioned ‘client autonomy’. I see the coach only as an encourager and a guiding mirror to ensure the client actually has an action-to-take identified at the end of the session. The shifting of responsibility on to the client is a vital exercise to enable the client to sharpen the all-important skill of transforming insights into life-transforming actions and preventing the unhealthy habit of dependence on the coach. It also helps bar the coach from falling into the trap of thinking he knows the ‘correct’ answer and jumping in to suggest his surefire three steps to success garnered from a similar experience he had.

I am thankful for the eight pointers provided for this Competency for I see them as handles to assist me in implementing the Competency and giving me a checklist of necessary actions I must take. So here are the eighth pointers and my take on them:

1. Works with the client to integrate new awareness, insight or learning into their worldview and behaviors

For this to happen the insight has to be identified and clearly spelt out. Maybe this can happen just by asking, “What have you learnt from what was just discussed?” and then drawing attention to the answer given followed by the question, “How would you use this to address the goal you have set for this session?” Again, I believe I must not suggest how the insight is integrated but the onus is on the client to identify at least an aspect of her life where an insight gain is introduced into her life or replaces an ‘old’ belief.

2. Partners with the client to design goals, actions and accountability measures that integrate and expand new learning

To integrate these newly gained insights, it seems the coach will need to ‘partner’ with the client to see that the client create three important elements that follow one after the other logically:

• Create GOALS – there’s so much about goal-creating I could comment here (looks like a whole lesson on its own) but I am again pulled back by the reminder I am not creating the goals and I am not telling my client how to create her goals. Even so I believe I am not overstepping my boundaries if I help my client be clear what is meant by ‘goals’, for only when she is clear what is required of her can she create it. Note to self: brush up on goal-creating.
• Determine ACTIONS – then to partner with the client to identify the necessary steps she can and must take to see the goals achieved. Again the coach is not to evaluate the client’s proposed action steps but to mirror the proposed steps to assist the client evaluate the do-ability of each step.
• Set in place an ACCOUNTABILITY system – I wholeheartedly embrace this requirement and see the wisdom behind this. So much of my failed goals and actions have been the result of not having an accountability system set in place, thus when I slip and slide from my goals and necessary action steps, I give allowance for my failure and finally excuse myself from the goal. I know having an accountability partner for instance could have helped keep me on track. So I will definitely ask my client, “How are you going to ensure you are accountable to someone for the carrying out of the actions you have set?”

3. Acknowledges and supports client autonomy in the design of goals, actions and methods of accountability

As mentioned previously, this is wholly the client’s baby – no intervention or interference or involvement by the coach. The client is fully responsible to identify the insight, create the goals, determine the required actions and set in place an accountability system. This is to be mentioned oftentimes and encouragement is to be given every step of the client’s way.

4. Supports the client in identifying potential results or learning from identified action steps

I like this because now the coach pushes the client further into the transformation process, calling her to form a vision of what life will be if and when the goal is achieved. If you can see it, you can build it is an adage that seems to lend itself to this point. “How do you see your life when this goal is achieved?” and “What would you learn when you take these steps?” seem to be two good questions to ask when helping the client identify the outcome of the steps planned. This vision of the future not only motivates the client but creates a visual answer to the question, “Why am I taking these actions?” This exercise helps introduce emotion into the planned actions thus increasing motivation to act.

5. Invites the client to consider how to move forward, including resources, support and potential barriers

This is such a practical and vital next step once the goal, action and desired outcome has been identified. Without it, the desired outcome could just remain an unattained dream, sabotaged by failure to realize that every goal requires resources and support to become a reality and a preparedness for identified potential barriers (there are always barriers). A resourceful and prepared goal achiever with enough support has a higher chance of success that someone with only a goal and a plan any day.

As I look back at all my failed goals, it becomes obvious I was oblivious of the potential problems (setbacks, challenges, barriers) I would face and when they hit me, I was caught unprepared and sank very quickly. I also realized I could do with more support and an identification of necessary resources as well as sourcing those required resources very early in my action plan implementation could have saved me a lot of heartache and pain.

As such, as a coach, I recognize my responsibility to highlight these three important elements with questions such as, “What would you need in order to make those actions possible?”, “Who will be able to assist you in getting this done?” and “What are some of the problems you foresee happening as you begin to take action?” followed by “What could you do to give you the upper hand if and when this barrier pops up?”

6. Partners with the client to summarize learning and insight within or between sessions

This pointer is to do with the closing of the session or of a learning episode during a coaching session. It is very eye opening for me as I have almost always make a summary when rounding up a learning episode or at the end of the session. Looks like I will not be doing it anymore. Instead I will need to pass this practice to my client. And what a wise move it is. It ‘forces’ the client to pause and identify, solidify and present insights in succinct detail. In other words the client identifies her lesson and presents it to the coach! And I am certain what the coach had planned to say in his summary would most probably be miles away from what the client presented! If so, this part of the coaching session could be a learning opportunity for the coach too. “How would you describe what you understood about your described situation?” and “If you were to summarize the key lesson you got in this session, what would you say?” could be questions a coach could ask to assist the client to summarize insights gained.

7. Celebrates the client's progress and successes

This point assumes previous goals are monitored and there’s some kind of reporting back of progress and successes being experienced. Is this initiated by the coach (“How’s progress on your action plans you set last week?”) or is it solely left to the client to report her progress and successes? Even so, it makes sense that all progress and successes should be celebrated. I like what a trainer suggested: ask your client how best she would like you to celebrate her progress and successes when shared. The possibilities can range from a simple, “Wow, that’s great!” to a celebratory drink or meal! Again, letting the client decide may be a better and wiser move.

8. Partners with the client to close the session

When I first read this point, I thought it was referring to ending the coaching but it seems to be more about bringing an end to that particular day’s session. This point left me stump. How do I partner with my client to close the session? Shouldn’t I close the session as the coach – “Well, it’s already two hours and we have covered much. Let’s call it a day and I’ll see you next month” – or is this idea of ‘It’s all about the client’ also applied to how a session is closed? Looking forward to some increased understanding on this in upcoming sessions.

In conclusion, what I enjoyed most from this web-torial is the reminder that the ultimate purpose of the coaching session is to enable the client to transform insights into successful actions. “So what are you going to do now?” seems to be a good question to end this assessment. “The learned men (or people) are those who act after knowing.” – Ash Sha’bee in Siyar 4/303.

Creating Awareness via Powerful Questioning

Overwhelming. Daunting. Challenging.

These three words describe what I felt and thought as I went through this week’s web-torial covering Core Competency 7 – Evokes Awareness. There was so much information and must-do’s to understand and it made sense why when I learnt that this ‘new’ competency is a combination of three competencies from the former ICF Competency Model! As the information piled up, my sense of dread increased, wondering how will I be able to remember all that was required of me and then to do as required. This led me to conclude (again?) that coaching will not be a walk in the park but a (mental?) marathon requiring lots of practice and active, consistent participation in coaching. Though still in a contemplative state, I am thankful for this realization.

Questions. Questions. Questions.

Personally I think the title for the lesson would better reflect its content if it was reworded to say Evokes Awareness via Powerful Questioning. It is a pity Core Competency 6 in the older version – Powerful Questioning – was absorbed into the present Model. Questioning is the standard go-to identifying characteristic when coaching is mentioned. Any surface knowledge of coaching will quickly reveal the ubiquitous usage of questioning in all coaching sessions. Books and mentors exhort and emphasize the importance and techniques of questioning. So it strikes me odd that such a key element is absorbed into a bigger topic focusing on the result of questioning – awareness.

Know. Understand. Act.

It seems that the new version of this competency draws attention more to the desired results of the coaching session – awareness – rather than the tool used to produce the results – questioning. Awareness to me means helping the client to (maybe for the first time) know what she is actually thinking, believing or even saying. The coach then is to work with the client to understand this revelation – to identify its key components, causes and players – in order to conclude with a desired action (the goal of the coaching endeavor). This process may take time and requires the coach to listen attentively in order to be aware of the real/underlying story and to bring that to the surface for the client. To be able to do this successfully is to be able to successfully evoke awareness.

I also realized the awareness a coach is to evoke encompass his own awareness as well as the awareness of the client. Being in the moment, sensitive to what is being experienced in all parts of our being – body, soul, spirit – while drawing insights that would help the coach manage himself as well as contribute to the client is also a part of the awareness exercise. A challenge I think I will need to control is the excitement to create conclusions for the client with the rising awareness being created especially if I feel the client is not getting it. Yet, I need to remember, the path ahead is created by the client without any interference or inference from me as to where that path should be carved out.

In the definition for Evokes Awareness, ICF cleverly combines the desired result of coaching – creating CLIENT insight and learning – and the tools a coach will use to do so – powerful questioning, silence, picture words (metaphor and analogy). I find helping the client gain insight and learn exciting and challenging because it’s a new skill for me and a life transforming experience for the client. What makes it challenging for me, I conclude, is the heavy dependence of powerful questioning which is a whole new world to me, a skill to be developed and wisely employed. And that is what I felt I did not get enough from this week’s web-torial: How to create powerful questions?

Looking at the eleven sub-points for this competency, it becomes clear almost all of them requires questioning! To be aware of the client’s experience you would need to ask questions. To challenge the client you would need questions. Sub-point 3 and 4 begins with the words ‘Asks questions’! To invite a client to share requires questions as well as when seeking to help the client identify influencing factors in her life. As such, I hope there will be some lessons in the future focused only on Questioning to help increase my understanding and confidence in creating and using Powerful Questioning.

Though not really highlighted during this week’s web-torial, I was made aware again of the need to be silent (to listen one must shut his mouth), to be comfortable with silent waiting, allowing the client to ruminate and resolve what was brought up through powerful questioning. As clearly pointed out in my first practicum, this is an area of weakness I will need to work on. This silence I believe also covers inward silencing of mental chatter and creating an inner calmness, waiting expectantly for revelation to emerge from the client.

Picture words. Love them. Experience as an English teacher and my interest in beautiful words lends a joyful lift to my spirit when I realized metaphors and analogies is a key tool in helping my client become aware. A picture does paint a thousand words and days when I am able to create a suitable picture word to encapsulate key yet difficult concepts that helps my student get it, I am engulfed in relief and celebratory joy. I look forward for similar episodes with my future clients, seeing the light come on in their mind and the smile of recognition on their faces.

I am also intrigued by the concept of asking questions to lead the client out of her present situation (the box she is in) into the possible and desired future. Many of my questions in the past have been to help my client review her past or present situation but I can’t remember having asked many questions that leads my client to imagine a future, to create a future or to be aware of a future not tainted by her past and present situation. Maybe it’s because it’s a difficulty I have and something I am still working to overcome by realizing and embracing truths that my future is not determine by my past and the factors that affected me in the past and present may not exist in the future, thus giving me opportunities to create a different (new?) future.

All talk, no action.

This is a trap I must not fall in when coaching. If no tangible action is actually taken after much effort from coach and client to generate awareness, then coaching just becomes an elevated chit-chat session. Maybe ”So what will you do this week?” would be a suitable question to ask after an a-ha moment occurs to help the client ‘generate ideas about how they can move forward and what they are willing or able to do’. I just love this sub-point as it takes the whole creating awareness exercise to a higher level. Awareness is not the end-all but the required platform for the next step – transformative action. This I believe is the ultimate goal of coaching and to not use powerful questioning to help the client come to this stage is such a waste. I am glad that ‘ideas’ is written in plural for indeed there actually is more than one way to skin a cat! This gives the client options and hope that a way forward is available – she just has to select one of many. And how to know which path to select? “Which path are you willing or able to do?” Maybe this will be acknowledged as a powerful question, a question that not only helps the client select but also be confident that the path she has selected is do-able.

To end my rambling assessment, I must say that I am slightly relieved that a little room is provided for the coach to speak and to share input without using questions (and yes, I know, speak briefly even so) by sharing ‘observations, insights and feelings, without attachment (need to understand this phrase more) which generates more awareness for the client’. I believe (correct me if I got this wrong) certain life experiences of the coach when shared at the right time could help bring clarity and insight for the client. I also think this last sub-point gives room to the coach to bounce off the client what he senses as he hears the client speak, watches her facial and body movements as well as any changes in her energy level and tone of voice, to ascertain its validity as well as help the client see what others see which she may be oblivious to. Again, all this to create awareness for the client to generate insight and learning.

As I type all this, the image of a wise master in some far away temple, in white robes stroking his white beard, listening to an impatient, sobbing youth as he pours out his woes comes to mind. All the time the master is silent. Finally when the youth is all done and all has quieten down, the master walks away, stares at the stars and after a protracted silence, turns and asks a powerful question. An amazing adventure begins (for the youth). A picture of coaching?

When a powerful question impacts your client, transformation beckons.

The Reason We Have Two Ears And One Mouth

 Throughout the ages wise men in many places have expounded on the importance of listening. A famous prophet from the Middle East is said to have begun many of his teaching sessions by saying, “Let him who has ears, hear” and when asked why he said this, he answered, “They look but do not see, and they listen, but do not hear or understand”. Several years later, his younger brother wrote these words in a letter: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Interestingly, a Greek Stoic philosopher had something similar to say to – “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

I do not know if these men were coaches but they echoed the wisdom I heard in our web-torial on ‘Listens Actively’ which in short reminded coaches to listen, to listen in order to understand, to speak very little, to hear what is said and not said and to manage our emotions as we listen!

What makes listening a challenge is the need to focus – visually, mentally, emotionally – on the coachee as long as she is speaking to you (which she should be doing the majority of the coaching session).

The first challenge is the inner chatter we are constantly aware and naturally are attuned to, or as Coach Joan said, the 'monkeys that swing around in our mind'. ‘Stillness on the inside’ as Coach Sanjiv preaches, is what is necessary for focus to be restored and listening to happen.

Next, what we hear is filtered through many filters – our past, our experiences, our beliefs – so that what we finally hear may not even be what the coachee said or may be an edited version palatable to our perception of life. Setting aside these filters and allowing the coachee’s words to be heard as intended without editing can be challenging and disturbing to the coach.

This then leads me to the third challenge – how to be emotionally unattached to the information being shared by the client. In the exercises Coach Colin gave during class, we realized it was easy to become emotionally involved in the story our client shares, allowing a possible interruption to our listening and processing of what is shared. It was rightly concluded then that in order to listen well we need to be empathetic and not sympathetic, to acknowledge the emotions but not to be directed by them.  

The definition provided by ICF for active listening makes it clear that listening covers more than just noting the words spoken by the client. Albert Mehrabian, a professor of psychology is famous for highlighting the three key components of communication – words, tone and facial cues – and though his study has been wrongly interpreted and used, it is still important to realize that when listening, it would be wise to focus on all the components of human communication and not only on words. A key takeaway from Professor Mehrabian is if the tone and facial cues do not match the words, we tend to believe what the non-verbal cues are saying. So look at your clients face and listen to her tone as well as her choice of words.

I just love the six guidelines for listening actively listed by ICF as they provide me with valuable initial handles for becoming a better listener. Two of the guidelines draw attention to the need to be curious. To understand the client’s context and to inquire more from what the client is saying is better facilitated when the coach is curious, desiring to know the background and key characters and events behind the presented story. To be curious begs the question, “Tell me more”, to be asked and then to be clarified with questions such as, “You mentioned this . . . could you explain, could you clarify what you meant?”

Two other guidelines highlight the vital and powerful practice of reflective mirroring, to confirm what was heard was right as well as to enable the client to be aware of what she said and to reflect on it. One of the few times the coach does talk when listening is to reflect back the client’s words followed by this important question, “Am I hearing correctly, in context, what you just said?” When the client displays a shift in emotions, energy levels and/or non-verbal expressions, the coach is to identify it and reflect it back to the client. “I sense that . . .”, “How do you feel . . .” and “Your face seems to say . . .” are some examples of questions a coach could ask after detecting subtle changes in the client when she is speaking.

In line with this (and Mehrabian’s research) a coach is reminded to integrate the client’s communication, to be in tune to the client’s whole being when she is communicating. Listen to the message the client’s physical body, mental faculty, emotional state and spiritual wellbeing is saying when she is speaking. This I believe requires openness, sensitivity, empathy and a lot of practice to be able to connect the dots and hear what is actually being communicated.

The last guideline is something new to me and very exciting as well – listen for trends, themes and patterns. Yes, I am certain after a certain amount of information has been shared and if a coach is looking out for key words, repetition of phrases and ideas or recurring references to certain people or events, a theme or pattern will emerge. This helps taper down the scope of discussion and identify possible areas for inquiry and enlightenment. I look forward to any possible teachings on this subject in the following modules.

In conclusion, how am I going to improve my active listening skills? The loudest answer is to keep my mouth shut as much as possible and to only speak when I need to clarify what was said, to reflect back what was said and to assist my client in understanding and progressing through her challenge. I also need to remind myself to listen to understand, not to listen in order to answer, to provide solutions or to create powerful questions. Put that aside and seek understanding first. I also need to remember that I am not only listening with my ears but with my eyes and heart (and my intuition) – listening requires seeing and hearing what the whole person is communicating. Lastly, to listen well I will need to shut up the inner chatter, lock up the monkeys and build a fence around my emotions, ensuring they do not disrupt my focus, my thought process and my ability to empathize.

Can I Have Your Attention, Please?

I am enjoying the web-torials in this certification program especially this week’s class on Maintaining Presence as it relates so much to what I have been doing the last few years – providing relationship guidance to lovers and couples. I could write an article on developing presence with your partner using the same principles. Maybe I'll do just that. Here's the article!

“My boyfriend doesn’t listen to me when I am speaking.”

“My husband pays no attention to me when he returns from work.”

“He seems to be uninterested in me. Is he bored?”

These are frequent comments I get and yes, they are all from women. Frustrated and sad women whose boyfriends or husbands have no clue on the importance of being present in the relationship. And yes, being present is not limited in having your body seated next to another!

So what could you do to be really present with your spouse or lover? Here are some tips.

1. Remain focused, observant, empathetic and responsive to your partner, especially when she is speaking to you. This means your eyes are focused on her when you are seated across the table listening to her speak – not scrolling down latest updates on your smartphone or reading the latest edition of Men’s Body! Put away all outside visual distractions intentionally. So what do you do when you are focused on your spouse? Look at her facial expressions and body movements. Pay attention to change in tone or emotions that conflict with what is said. When you do this, you will begin to be aware of what she is actually experiencing and feeling. This is when you express empathy – acknowledging what she is feeling and seeking to understand what it means to her. Finally, don’t be a passive listener. Respond with the right word or phrase at the right time. And note I said respond not reply or preach or provide a solution. Say only what is necessary so she knows she is being heard and you are aware of what is happening.

2. Demonstrates curiosity during the conversation. It is so tempting and easy to jump in and complete her sentence or add in the infamous phrase, “I know just what you are talking about.” Curiosity begins with you agreeing with yourself to keep silent as long as possible and when it’s your turn to speak, you inquire instead of inquest. “Could you explain . . .” and “Tell me more about . . .” are good starter phrases for doing this. Be curious to know the backstory or the topic being discussed and the more aware the both of you are, the more revealing and meaningful the discussion becomes.

3. Manage your emotions to stay present with your partner. When invited for a conversation, you may have just returned home feeling tired and upset or you may be watching your favorite Netflix movie and so you feel angry that you will miss the exciting part that is just about to be revealed. Entering a conversation with unresolved, negative feelings will not help in creating a present and open partner. This scenario highlights how important emotion management skills is so important and why is must be mastered. Once in a conversation, you might begin to feel excited, upset, angry, sad or worried when you hear what is being shared. Short circuiting the conversation by expressing your emotions before she ends her sharing disrupts the conversation and usually creates a sense of regret or fear in your spouse. So hold your guns, be aware of your emotions and why they are there and when it’s your turn to speak, share how you feel and what is behind those feelings as a guide to what could be the next step for both of you.

4. Demonstrate confidence when she shares strong emotions during your time together. For a
healthy relationship to exist, your partner needs to know she can freely share her emotions and that you are confident enough in the presence of emotions. Many men feel really uncomfortable in the presence of expressed strong emotions so they either try to shut down such encounters (blanking out, walking away or mirroring the expressed emotion) or they try to one-up what was shared by manifesting a stronger emotion. These reactions only reveal your lack of confidence in responding to emotions – yours and hers. But why is this? Because so many men have been programmed to reject emotions (“It’s a girl’s thing”, “Boys don’t cry”, “Women are emotional”) and have no idea how to manage their emotions. So once again, my advice to men – learn to be aware of your emotions and strengthen your emotion management skills. Confidently responding to your girlfriend’s expressed emotions is a key to building trust and openness in your relationship (this is true for husbands too).

5. Be comfortable in not knowing. This is a big one especially for men whose natural tendency is to solve problems and to provide solutions. “What should I say?” and “What’s the steps she must take to solve the problem she shared about?” are common questions running amok in a husband’s mind as his wife opens up and shares about her struggles and fears or about her latest dream project. What if you are stumped? You actually have no idea what to say? You can’t think of three things you wife should do to solve her problem? Take a deep breath and relaxed. Very often, she never requested or wanted an answer. She just wants you to be there, paying attention to what she is saying and showing interest in her situation. Very often this is enough to help her ‘solve’ her problem. Your worth as a man and partner is not determined by how much you know and your ability to save the day. It is okay to not know. Learn to be comfortable in this state.

6. Create or allow space for silence, pause or reflection. This is gold. This is the core value of presence – just being there with the person. Your presence merged with her presence. In silence. But be well aware – shared presence cocoon in silence helps birth beautiful butterflies. But it must be welcomed, embraced and given time. You don’t need to say anything, do anything to ‘break’ the silence. It is said that if you disturb a cocoon, no butterfly will be formed. And it’s so tempting to interfere with the cocoon because it seems like nothing is happening and you wonder if it’s alive, if a butterfly is being formed. It is. Be patient and sit in the silence with your partner. Allow emotions to settle, ideas to formulate and words to be uttered when it is time. What is needed is your precious presence (this means stop fidgeting with your watch and resist the temptation to just check an email on your phone while she is silent!).

Thanks for reading so far. Yes, this looks like an article for a marriage magazine and you may be wondering what has this to do with coaching. Everything. You see, coaching is about creating a safe, open and trusting relationship with your coachee. I have used the example of boy-girl/husband-wife romantic relationship to highlight the necessity for maintaining presence and intentional creating productive presence so that we will realize that the skills required and the actions necessary are across the board. Any relationship will benefit from being present. I hope the ‘article’ in this assessment helps increase your understanding and practice of maintaining presence with your clients.

- Maintain presence always -

 

On Becoming a Trustworthy Coach

This Core Competency is basically how a coach can help create trust and a sense of safety for the client to enable her to open up and share what is necessary for her progress. Without trust in the coach and a conviction that she is in a safe space (safe for her) very little progress can be made as the conversations will be guarded and every comment second-guessed. I am glad that this is a core competency because I believe if a coach is not able to create trust and safety, there is no coaching. With that said let me begin by sharing how Coach Mel helped me trust him and believe I am in safe hands.

Why should I trust a man I have never met and interacted face-to-face, a man I had no idea even existed on planet Earth until just a few months ago? From a Zoom call that lasted 30 minutes to a series of WhatsApp exchanges, Coach Mel began to build trust in me. I was delighted to discover he was a fellow Malaysian and was living in the city my wife and I love most outside of Kuching. I was glad to know he was a man of faith and some of his heroes were mine too. In his WhatsApp messages he was very positive, encouraging and supportive. He went the extra mile to make it possible for me to enroll and be a Catalyst student. I saw him on LinkedIn, YouTube and in major ICF events – that helped a lot in convincing me this man was the genuine thing and not a self-declared coach or a bogus training provider. All of this in just a few weeks, enough to convince me I can trust him and I am safe with him. Here then are the FIVE things Coach Mel did to create trust and safety for me:

• Shared similarity
• Displayed competency
• Gracious acts of kindness
• Supportive words
• Belief in my potential

I must say I am impressed on how efficiently Coach Mel did this because I have a problem with trusting others as a result of some events in my childhood and in my adult working life. You may say I have trust issues. And this leads me to another point – some of your clients may have unresolved trust issues. It’s not that you are not good in building trust and safety with your client but your client has difficulty trusting (for various reasons). My difficulty in trusting others stem from the fear of losing the respect of others, being rejected and judged/punished if I opened up and shared my true self. So far I am thankful I still feel I am in a safe class and safe with the coaches instructing me. For this I am grateful. You as a coach may have clients that are like me – understanding where they are coming from, their fears and their need for a safe place will certainly help you build trust and safety for them.

In a safe place, with a trusted coach, a client will be able to finally bloom or finally clear the bin of all that smells, creating a window for change and growth. To be able to express freely knowing you will not be judged and punished helps bring to the surface issues that should and can be resolved and helps introduce new solutions that are free to be suggested without fear of rejection and ridicule. All this will certainly enable the client to create her own path towards her desired goals. Trust and safety go hand-in-hand and are two parts of a coin – you can’t have one without the other.

Though there is mention of partnering with the client to create trust and safety, I find this core competency leaning heavily on what the coach MUST DO to create trust and safety in his client. The competency focusses of the words and actions of the coach more often than not. It is the coach that serves, adapts, respects, demonstrates on behalf of the client, making it as easy as possible for the client to trust the coach and feel safe in a coaching situation. The six sub-points are excellent pointers on how a coach can do this and I must say these pointers work with almost any relationship where you are partnering with at least one other person. As a relationship counselor for unmarrieds who are in-love, I find these six pointers excellent tips for a partner seeking to become a trustworthy boyfriend/girlfriend. Good practical stuff.

Here is my take on the six sub-points as it relates to how a coach can become a trustworthy individual who creates a safe space for his client(s):

 

1. Seeks to understand the client within their context which may include their identity, environment, experiences, values and beliefs.

A coach is to make the required effort to get acquainted and familiar with the nature and significance of who the client thinks and believe they are, their physical and social surroundings that have an impact on them, what has and is happening to them that affects and contributes to the problem we are partnering to solve, the life principles they esteem and live by and what they are presently confident about and accept as true.

This would mean being curious about the client, asking lots of questions that will provide a window into all these aspects and to pick up these elements during conversations throughout the sessions. Reminder – always be curious about your client.

 

2. Demonstrates respect for the client’s identity, perceptions, style and language AND adapts one’s coaching to the client.

A coach must be able to show clearly by word and action that he has high regard and admiration for who the client is and believes she is, for her way of seeing things and interpreting her life experiences, for her distinctive manner of expressing and conducting herself and the way of speaking and register of words she selects by intentionally and willingly changing his method of interaction, plans and style of coaching so as to fit his client’s manifested personality mold.

This would mean accepting the client at face value as she is AND purposely deciding to be in awe of the person’s personality and presentation and all the while changing any aspect of my coaching that would create conflict with what the client is manifesting so as to put the client at ease. A reminder that will have to be made to self before seeing every client – be water, be flexible.

 

3. Acknowledges and respects the client’s unique talents, insights and work in the coaching process.

A coach is to recognize and make known with high regard and admiration verbally the client’s unique, creative or artistic abilities, her way of seeing things and interpreting her life experiences and the effort she makes to carry out the tasks agreed upon or assigned to her during the coaching sessions.

This would mean recognizing the client’s unique contribution and effort during the coaching sessions and any form of contribution she makes. In short be her cheerleader and praise any contribution from her in every session. Note to self – praise and celebrate every contribution from client.

 

4. Shows support, empathy and concern for the client.

In word and action, a coach is to be open to expressing a commitment to assist, to manifest an understanding and vicariously experiencing the thoughts and experiences communicated by the client, and to care and take into serious consideration the client’s condition as expressed.

This would mean having a sensitive and open heart towards the client’s situation – to be a human with a heart and helping hands. Note – don’t be a cold, heartless coach. Be human. Be a compassionate human.

 

5. Acknowledges and supports the client’s expression of feelings, perceptions, concerns, beliefs and suggestions.

A coach is to is to recognize, make known and help the client when she makes known in word and action her emotions, way of seeing things and interpreting her life experiences, what she cares deeply about, what she presently is confident about and accept as true and

In other words a client’s feedback, expression and contribution is to be recognize and encouraged as well as applauded. “Tell me more” and “I understand” and maybe “This is good” are key comments to be made during a coaching session for this trust-creating sub-point to be realized.

 

6. Demonstrates openness and transparency as a way to display vulnerability and build trust with the client.

For this sub-point a coach is encouraged to be vulnerable and this is to be showcased clearly by word and action via the ability to share his feelings, thoughts, needs and fears, without fear of judgement or repercussion to the client with the expressed intention that what is shared will assist the client in trusting the coach more.

This is a big one. To me it means at times, snippets of my life could be shared with the client to help convince the client that I have an understanding and connection with what the client is experiencing and my life snippet could help bring understanding and clarity to my client as she finds her answer. Again, I believe this is a call to be real and human when coaching – not Superman, untouched by human frailties.