The Reason We Have Two Ears And One Mouth

 Throughout the ages wise men in many places have expounded on the importance of listening. A famous prophet from the Middle East is said to have begun many of his teaching sessions by saying, “Let him who has ears, hear” and when asked why he said this, he answered, “They look but do not see, and they listen, but do not hear or understand”. Several years later, his younger brother wrote these words in a letter: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Interestingly, a Greek Stoic philosopher had something similar to say to – “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

I do not know if these men were coaches but they echoed the wisdom I heard in our web-torial on ‘Listens Actively’ which in short reminded coaches to listen, to listen in order to understand, to speak very little, to hear what is said and not said and to manage our emotions as we listen!

What makes listening a challenge is the need to focus – visually, mentally, emotionally – on the coachee as long as she is speaking to you (which she should be doing the majority of the coaching session).

The first challenge is the inner chatter we are constantly aware and naturally are attuned to, or as Coach Joan said, the 'monkeys that swing around in our mind'. ‘Stillness on the inside’ as Coach Sanjiv preaches, is what is necessary for focus to be restored and listening to happen.

Next, what we hear is filtered through many filters – our past, our experiences, our beliefs – so that what we finally hear may not even be what the coachee said or may be an edited version palatable to our perception of life. Setting aside these filters and allowing the coachee’s words to be heard as intended without editing can be challenging and disturbing to the coach.

This then leads me to the third challenge – how to be emotionally unattached to the information being shared by the client. In the exercises Coach Colin gave during class, we realized it was easy to become emotionally involved in the story our client shares, allowing a possible interruption to our listening and processing of what is shared. It was rightly concluded then that in order to listen well we need to be empathetic and not sympathetic, to acknowledge the emotions but not to be directed by them.  

The definition provided by ICF for active listening makes it clear that listening covers more than just noting the words spoken by the client. Albert Mehrabian, a professor of psychology is famous for highlighting the three key components of communication – words, tone and facial cues – and though his study has been wrongly interpreted and used, it is still important to realize that when listening, it would be wise to focus on all the components of human communication and not only on words. A key takeaway from Professor Mehrabian is if the tone and facial cues do not match the words, we tend to believe what the non-verbal cues are saying. So look at your clients face and listen to her tone as well as her choice of words.

I just love the six guidelines for listening actively listed by ICF as they provide me with valuable initial handles for becoming a better listener. Two of the guidelines draw attention to the need to be curious. To understand the client’s context and to inquire more from what the client is saying is better facilitated when the coach is curious, desiring to know the background and key characters and events behind the presented story. To be curious begs the question, “Tell me more”, to be asked and then to be clarified with questions such as, “You mentioned this . . . could you explain, could you clarify what you meant?”

Two other guidelines highlight the vital and powerful practice of reflective mirroring, to confirm what was heard was right as well as to enable the client to be aware of what she said and to reflect on it. One of the few times the coach does talk when listening is to reflect back the client’s words followed by this important question, “Am I hearing correctly, in context, what you just said?” When the client displays a shift in emotions, energy levels and/or non-verbal expressions, the coach is to identify it and reflect it back to the client. “I sense that . . .”, “How do you feel . . .” and “Your face seems to say . . .” are some examples of questions a coach could ask after detecting subtle changes in the client when she is speaking.

In line with this (and Mehrabian’s research) a coach is reminded to integrate the client’s communication, to be in tune to the client’s whole being when she is communicating. Listen to the message the client’s physical body, mental faculty, emotional state and spiritual wellbeing is saying when she is speaking. This I believe requires openness, sensitivity, empathy and a lot of practice to be able to connect the dots and hear what is actually being communicated.

The last guideline is something new to me and very exciting as well – listen for trends, themes and patterns. Yes, I am certain after a certain amount of information has been shared and if a coach is looking out for key words, repetition of phrases and ideas or recurring references to certain people or events, a theme or pattern will emerge. This helps taper down the scope of discussion and identify possible areas for inquiry and enlightenment. I look forward to any possible teachings on this subject in the following modules.

In conclusion, how am I going to improve my active listening skills? The loudest answer is to keep my mouth shut as much as possible and to only speak when I need to clarify what was said, to reflect back what was said and to assist my client in understanding and progressing through her challenge. I also need to remind myself to listen to understand, not to listen in order to answer, to provide solutions or to create powerful questions. Put that aside and seek understanding first. I also need to remember that I am not only listening with my ears but with my eyes and heart (and my intuition) – listening requires seeing and hearing what the whole person is communicating. Lastly, to listen well I will need to shut up the inner chatter, lock up the monkeys and build a fence around my emotions, ensuring they do not disrupt my focus, my thought process and my ability to empathize.