A fellow
asked a wise man, “Which way is success?” The wise man said nothing and
gestured towards a path. The man feeling elated, rushed ahead.
Splat!
The fellow
returns tattered and stunned. He repeats the question and the wise man points
silently in the same direction. He nods and rushes ahead again.
Splat!
When the
seeker finally is able to crawl back, bloody and broken, he screams at the wise
man, “No more pointing. Talk.”
Only then
the wise man speaks, “Success is that way. Just a little past splat.”
Every
practicum helped me experience ‘splat’ and afterwards, the lessons that
followed provided another stepping stone towards being a better coach.
Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first, the lessons afterwards. – Dick Enberg
I talked a
lot in earlier practicums. To cover my anxiety, I was overly enthusiastic
and excited, making comments and interjecting way too much. I was reminded that
the percentage of a coach speaking in each session should be less that 40% - be
quick to listen and slow to speak; we have two ears and one mouth. Ok, got that.
On the same
wavelength was the need for me to employ pauses when listening or commenting
and to be comfortable with silence. This means no quick interjections,
giving my coachee and me time to think before speaking and to allow the magic
of the sacred pause to work.
On the
topic of asking questions, my ‘splat’ was attaching so much explanation before
and/or after a question to the point the question gets lost in the verbal
packaging I wrapped it in. This then led me to ask more questions. And yes,
I know – it’s one question at a time and be as simple and succinct as possible.
In my
fourth practicum I recorded 32 questions asked in 30 minutes! What was I
thinking? Falling back to filling pauses and explaining questions with
questions, I became a question creator and not an understanding listener with a
few powerful questions. Lesson learnt. Somehow I concluded and grafted into my
mind that most of my questions should begin with “What” and “How” and “Why” should
be avoided unless really necessary. Splat. Looks like all the question words –
5W1H – can and should be used wisely as a master question craftsman.
I realized I
can be too pushy and have my client say and do as I see fit: “but you will need
to talk”, “no, that’s not true” and “you said you wanted to speak about . . .
so why are you speaking about . . .” were just some of my horrible comments. I realized if
I am not careful, I can easily slide into the sin of making judgement, evaluating what my coachee said. Also a big no-no.
I see the
importance of reflecting what my coachee is saying by paraphrasing or
summarizing her words but I still need to make these paraphrases shorter and to be as
succinct as possible! Need to draw on my skills and experience as an English
teacher to create short, precise summaries.
Talking
about summaries, at least in two practicums I happily summarized the session at
the end! Another no-no. Better strategy – get the coachee to summarize the
session. Ask, “What one lesson did you learn from this session?”
Another area I
realized I still need to work on is how to close a session – what to focus on,
what to say at the end. For this I am listening to recordings of ‘successful’ coaches in
action and (of course) reading books and articles on the subject matter.
A lesson
and reminder I picked up from some of the practicums was not to analyze my
coachee’s problem and determine possible solutions. Once I go down this road I
become anxious, stop listening actively and often lead my clients with my questions instead of allowing my client to identify the problem and select a
best-fit solution on his own.
Once
introduced to Models and having created my own model, I faced a new challenge –
focusing too much on the steps in the model, trying to manufacture the session
to fall in line with the 5 steps of my model! Splat! So now comes the lesson –
know when to FLOW with the client and when to be guided by the GUIDE model I
created. A thin line indeed and one I am to master if I am to be a better
coach.
In my later
practicums it became obvious I often say “so” revealing a mental framework I
use (often) – the cause and effect thought process – that apparently is a
disservice to me when I am coaching because I am not required to analyze my
client’s problem and deduct what are the effect(s) of her actions. I believe a
reflective question would be a better response as well as mirroring what my
coachee said that could help her conclude the effects of her done or planned
action.
A
significant ‘Aha’ moment happened in Practicum 4 when Coach Mel drew attention
to a significant action of mine that was opposite to what a coach should aim
for in a session: I worked hard and asked questions to make sure I understood
the client INSTEAD of helping the client understand herself! Yes, it is not for
me to understand my client and her problem but it is on me to help my client
understand herself and her present situation so that she can formulate a
creative and helpful response. Wow! Since this revelation I have tried my best
not to bother to understand my client but work really hard to help my client
understand herself and what she is presenting to me.
Coach Mel’s
last challenge to me in the Exit Interview may yet be the hardest to practice.
When I was a young boy, something happened and I vowed to always seek the way
of least resistance and avoid any form of confrontation or conflict as much as
possible. It was no surprise to discover I was an Enneagram 9 – peacemaker –
who prizes peace above all else. Why am I telling you all this? No, not to
excuse myself but maybe to help you see why what Coach Mel encouraged me to do
(and what he says is right) is very challenging: learn to challenge your
client. Challenge their ideas, choices and timelines. As a Christian, my mine
immediately raced to a scene in the Jewish Temple, where mild-mannered, loving
and gentle Jesus was overturning the tables selling religious paraphernalia and
whipping the businessmen there. At times I may need to challenge, to overturn my
client’s table and ‘whip’ my client. Or I will take a gentler approach and just
push my client out of her box or unrealistic plans (did I just make a
judgement?).
I once
asked someone who had travelled with me to several places where I had speaking
engagement what did he see that was consistent and good about me. To be honest,
I was expecting something unique but his answer was: you can get along with
anyone in any situation. This too seems to be a common comment in all my
evaluations – I am casual, calm, light, and confident when speaking, making the
client feel at ease and peaceful. Yup, my E9 key characteristic just pops up
everywhere.
These practicums
are marvelous and powerful. I learnt more and changed faster from the process than
just by listening to our weekly 2-hour lessons. It was challenging and
troubling at times but always beneficial.
My biggest
takeaway from these practicums is that I am no way near being a good coach and
what I taught about my ability to coach has been severely tested. It has helped
pull down most of my idealistic dreamer ideas about myself and coaching, waking
me up to a stark reality. Coaching is not a walk in the park nor is it a stream
for income. Instead coaching is a skill, a responsibility and a profession
worth it’s worth in gold. Would I consider being a coach if I had learnt all
this before I decided to place all my bets on coaching? Most probably not. But
the dye has been cast and the only way ahead is forward.
Now to establish
a coaching business.
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