Extending Honor Within and Without

Web-torial 25 Honor Time turned out to be another zen-like session, diving deep into the concept of honor and how we receive and give honor. Lots of philosophical ideas, some ‘woo, woo’ moments and some deep inner reflections and revealing. In short, a session where we were led through the process before leading our future clients to at the end of the C.O.A.C.H process.

Celebrate Success & Honor the Man

My first and succinct takeaway was the realization that celebration focusses on an act of accomplishment but honor focusses on the person and all that he/she has that brought about the accomplishment. The success is a highpoint whereas the qualities and characteristics of the person that made that success possible is eternal and intrinsic. As a coach I not only celebrate the client’s newly arrived place or state of being but also acknowledge what he has and what has developed in him to enable the success. Personally, in this light, I find celebrating a success is a temporary fluff (though it feels really good) and honor is a solid inner strengthening that promises future successes as the client develops and uses the qualities he has and was honored for. Celebrate the accomplishment and affirm the person!

Honor and Faith

As a coach very much colored by the Christian faith, I must highlight the common occurrence and weight put on honor and its expression to god and man. The word ‘honor’ in the Bible means “to esteem, value, or have great respect.” As a baseline definition, to honor means to esteem and treat another with respect because of who they are or what they have done. To be led back to this definition blew my mind away because it really is what I understand a coach is to have for his client and to express it in the sessions especially when a client makes progress. But it goes deeper. Honor is not only to be given when a client has managed to do something; it begin on the very first session when the coach values the person for who she is and shows respect for the client’s perspectives, beliefs and even manner of speaking! How biblical!

As a coach who is a Christian, I believe I am bound to honor all my clients because the apostle Peter makes it clear I am called to honor everyone (1 Peter 2:17). The apostle Paul makes it clearer by adding what I need to do in order to honor my client – “Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10) – humility. Honoring others, however, goes against our natural instinct, which is to honor and value ourselves. It is only by being imbued with humility that we can esteem and honor our fellow man more than ourselves. So coaching not only provides me the opportunity to honor others (my clients) but also develop humility. Wow!

Honor Your Self First

‘Honoring others begin with us honoring ourselves and experiencing being honored’ was another lesson I picked up in this tutorial. This set me a thinking about how (if I do) I honor myself and how I have been honored. The feedback was not pretty to me but suggested room for necessary improvement.

But first let’s focus on the idea of honoring yourself as a pre-requisite for honoring your client. I enjoy the opinions of these two ladies and will use their quotes to launch a brief discussion on honoring one self:

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” – Sonya Friedman

“Honoring yourself means recognizing the significance, importance, validity, and sacredness of your own values, thoughts, beliefs, desires, life, and self”- S K Camille

Briefly, to honor oneself is to respect, admire, and appreciate yourself. Do I? have I? How does it look like when I respect, admire, and appreciate myself? Thanks to Google, I came a cross a handful of helpful articles on how I could respect myself, admire myself and appreciate myself more. Here’s a sampling.

Respect

• Forgive yourself – no beating self up for past mistakes
• Take care of yourself and your immediate space – eat, sleep and play well; clean up your room
• Accept yourself – recognizing you are human and a work in progress
• Set boundaries – protect your time and energy and build a hedge around your mind and emotions
• Check and change self-talk – would you speak the way you speak to yourself to someone you respect?

Admire

• Stop comparing yourself – what you admire in others is just an opportunity for you to develop it in you
• Reward yourself frequently – plan for it and allow you to reward yourself
• Take yourself out on a date – stop dreaming and wishing about that restaurant, show or park. Take yourself out and bless yourself!
• Honor all your feelings – be amaze at what you are able to feel and welcome each emotion excitedly
• Journal about what you admire about yourself – daily.

Appreciate

• Positive self-talk – is what you saying to your self true and loving?
• Active self-care – any action that recharges your batteries, tops up your tank and fills up your cup.
• Recognize your present value – make space for who you are at this moment without judgement but with compassion
• See your present goodness – what is good in you now?
• Count your blessings – gratitude is a great way to appreciate you and your life.

Looks like I got some work to do on honoring myself but it’s all good. I believe a good place to start is by identifying my personal values and how they are expressed in my life, values like kindness and sensitivity towards others. Indeed, it looks like to hold yourself in high esteem is rewarding and inspiring and it helps build character and integrity in me.

I’ll end this section by sharing what some learned people have to say on this subject. Therapist Lisa Neuweg, LCPC, defines it as “accepting all parts of ourselves: “the good and bad, the perfect and imperfect, the disappointments and triumphs.”  Whereas for self-acceptance and self-love coach Miri Klements it means being honest with herself and acknowledging what is true for her. It means treating herself with compassion, understanding, gentleness, acceptance and love. Well said.

Honor Others As Others Have Honored You

Lastly, an idea that didn’t settle well with me for the simple reason is was rather lacking in my life –‘How you were honored colours how you honor others’ – or in Coach Mel’s words “You extend honor from your place of honor.” To help uncover this, we were broken into pairs and asked to share about someone who showed us honor. It was a difficult question to answer. I found it extremely difficult to think of even one individual from my almost 60 years on this Earth! I finally selected my late younger brother who honored me and always stood up for me when I was attacked, especially during my years as a pastor. He also was generous and helped me out financially often.

But if how we experience being honored colors how we honor others, my place of honor within me is very small. Growing up I think I was more often pitied rather than honored (our family was the black sheep and poorest in the clan) and any honor I received as a pastor was for the office and not the person. This became rather obvious when the title/office ‘pastor’ was no longer applied to me and a rather obvious drop in level of honor shown to me was experienced. Honored for who I am? That’s a tall order and one not well met in my life. Even so, being aware of this and believing showing honor is an act of the will, coaching may just be the platform for me to practice honoring others and maybe even receive some honor.