The Reason We Have Two Ears And One Mouth

 Throughout the ages wise men in many places have expounded on the importance of listening. A famous prophet from the Middle East is said to have begun many of his teaching sessions by saying, “Let him who has ears, hear” and when asked why he said this, he answered, “They look but do not see, and they listen, but do not hear or understand”. Several years later, his younger brother wrote these words in a letter: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Interestingly, a Greek Stoic philosopher had something similar to say to – “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

I do not know if these men were coaches but they echoed the wisdom I heard in our web-torial on ‘Listens Actively’ which in short reminded coaches to listen, to listen in order to understand, to speak very little, to hear what is said and not said and to manage our emotions as we listen!

What makes listening a challenge is the need to focus – visually, mentally, emotionally – on the coachee as long as she is speaking to you (which she should be doing the majority of the coaching session).

The first challenge is the inner chatter we are constantly aware and naturally are attuned to, or as Coach Joan said, the 'monkeys that swing around in our mind'. ‘Stillness on the inside’ as Coach Sanjiv preaches, is what is necessary for focus to be restored and listening to happen.

Next, what we hear is filtered through many filters – our past, our experiences, our beliefs – so that what we finally hear may not even be what the coachee said or may be an edited version palatable to our perception of life. Setting aside these filters and allowing the coachee’s words to be heard as intended without editing can be challenging and disturbing to the coach.

This then leads me to the third challenge – how to be emotionally unattached to the information being shared by the client. In the exercises Coach Colin gave during class, we realized it was easy to become emotionally involved in the story our client shares, allowing a possible interruption to our listening and processing of what is shared. It was rightly concluded then that in order to listen well we need to be empathetic and not sympathetic, to acknowledge the emotions but not to be directed by them.  

The definition provided by ICF for active listening makes it clear that listening covers more than just noting the words spoken by the client. Albert Mehrabian, a professor of psychology is famous for highlighting the three key components of communication – words, tone and facial cues – and though his study has been wrongly interpreted and used, it is still important to realize that when listening, it would be wise to focus on all the components of human communication and not only on words. A key takeaway from Professor Mehrabian is if the tone and facial cues do not match the words, we tend to believe what the non-verbal cues are saying. So look at your clients face and listen to her tone as well as her choice of words.

I just love the six guidelines for listening actively listed by ICF as they provide me with valuable initial handles for becoming a better listener. Two of the guidelines draw attention to the need to be curious. To understand the client’s context and to inquire more from what the client is saying is better facilitated when the coach is curious, desiring to know the background and key characters and events behind the presented story. To be curious begs the question, “Tell me more”, to be asked and then to be clarified with questions such as, “You mentioned this . . . could you explain, could you clarify what you meant?”

Two other guidelines highlight the vital and powerful practice of reflective mirroring, to confirm what was heard was right as well as to enable the client to be aware of what she said and to reflect on it. One of the few times the coach does talk when listening is to reflect back the client’s words followed by this important question, “Am I hearing correctly, in context, what you just said?” When the client displays a shift in emotions, energy levels and/or non-verbal expressions, the coach is to identify it and reflect it back to the client. “I sense that . . .”, “How do you feel . . .” and “Your face seems to say . . .” are some examples of questions a coach could ask after detecting subtle changes in the client when she is speaking.

In line with this (and Mehrabian’s research) a coach is reminded to integrate the client’s communication, to be in tune to the client’s whole being when she is communicating. Listen to the message the client’s physical body, mental faculty, emotional state and spiritual wellbeing is saying when she is speaking. This I believe requires openness, sensitivity, empathy and a lot of practice to be able to connect the dots and hear what is actually being communicated.

The last guideline is something new to me and very exciting as well – listen for trends, themes and patterns. Yes, I am certain after a certain amount of information has been shared and if a coach is looking out for key words, repetition of phrases and ideas or recurring references to certain people or events, a theme or pattern will emerge. This helps taper down the scope of discussion and identify possible areas for inquiry and enlightenment. I look forward to any possible teachings on this subject in the following modules.

In conclusion, how am I going to improve my active listening skills? The loudest answer is to keep my mouth shut as much as possible and to only speak when I need to clarify what was said, to reflect back what was said and to assist my client in understanding and progressing through her challenge. I also need to remind myself to listen to understand, not to listen in order to answer, to provide solutions or to create powerful questions. Put that aside and seek understanding first. I also need to remember that I am not only listening with my ears but with my eyes and heart (and my intuition) – listening requires seeing and hearing what the whole person is communicating. Lastly, to listen well I will need to shut up the inner chatter, lock up the monkeys and build a fence around my emotions, ensuring they do not disrupt my focus, my thought process and my ability to empathize.

Can I Have Your Attention, Please?

I am enjoying the web-torials in this certification program especially this week’s class on Maintaining Presence as it relates so much to what I have been doing the last few years – providing relationship guidance to lovers and couples. I could write an article on developing presence with your partner using the same principles. Maybe I'll do just that. Here's the article!

“My boyfriend doesn’t listen to me when I am speaking.”

“My husband pays no attention to me when he returns from work.”

“He seems to be uninterested in me. Is he bored?”

These are frequent comments I get and yes, they are all from women. Frustrated and sad women whose boyfriends or husbands have no clue on the importance of being present in the relationship. And yes, being present is not limited in having your body seated next to another!

So what could you do to be really present with your spouse or lover? Here are some tips.

1. Remain focused, observant, empathetic and responsive to your partner, especially when she is speaking to you. This means your eyes are focused on her when you are seated across the table listening to her speak – not scrolling down latest updates on your smartphone or reading the latest edition of Men’s Body! Put away all outside visual distractions intentionally. So what do you do when you are focused on your spouse? Look at her facial expressions and body movements. Pay attention to change in tone or emotions that conflict with what is said. When you do this, you will begin to be aware of what she is actually experiencing and feeling. This is when you express empathy – acknowledging what she is feeling and seeking to understand what it means to her. Finally, don’t be a passive listener. Respond with the right word or phrase at the right time. And note I said respond not reply or preach or provide a solution. Say only what is necessary so she knows she is being heard and you are aware of what is happening.

2. Demonstrates curiosity during the conversation. It is so tempting and easy to jump in and complete her sentence or add in the infamous phrase, “I know just what you are talking about.” Curiosity begins with you agreeing with yourself to keep silent as long as possible and when it’s your turn to speak, you inquire instead of inquest. “Could you explain . . .” and “Tell me more about . . .” are good starter phrases for doing this. Be curious to know the backstory or the topic being discussed and the more aware the both of you are, the more revealing and meaningful the discussion becomes.

3. Manage your emotions to stay present with your partner. When invited for a conversation, you may have just returned home feeling tired and upset or you may be watching your favorite Netflix movie and so you feel angry that you will miss the exciting part that is just about to be revealed. Entering a conversation with unresolved, negative feelings will not help in creating a present and open partner. This scenario highlights how important emotion management skills is so important and why is must be mastered. Once in a conversation, you might begin to feel excited, upset, angry, sad or worried when you hear what is being shared. Short circuiting the conversation by expressing your emotions before she ends her sharing disrupts the conversation and usually creates a sense of regret or fear in your spouse. So hold your guns, be aware of your emotions and why they are there and when it’s your turn to speak, share how you feel and what is behind those feelings as a guide to what could be the next step for both of you.

4. Demonstrate confidence when she shares strong emotions during your time together. For a
healthy relationship to exist, your partner needs to know she can freely share her emotions and that you are confident enough in the presence of emotions. Many men feel really uncomfortable in the presence of expressed strong emotions so they either try to shut down such encounters (blanking out, walking away or mirroring the expressed emotion) or they try to one-up what was shared by manifesting a stronger emotion. These reactions only reveal your lack of confidence in responding to emotions – yours and hers. But why is this? Because so many men have been programmed to reject emotions (“It’s a girl’s thing”, “Boys don’t cry”, “Women are emotional”) and have no idea how to manage their emotions. So once again, my advice to men – learn to be aware of your emotions and strengthen your emotion management skills. Confidently responding to your girlfriend’s expressed emotions is a key to building trust and openness in your relationship (this is true for husbands too).

5. Be comfortable in not knowing. This is a big one especially for men whose natural tendency is to solve problems and to provide solutions. “What should I say?” and “What’s the steps she must take to solve the problem she shared about?” are common questions running amok in a husband’s mind as his wife opens up and shares about her struggles and fears or about her latest dream project. What if you are stumped? You actually have no idea what to say? You can’t think of three things you wife should do to solve her problem? Take a deep breath and relaxed. Very often, she never requested or wanted an answer. She just wants you to be there, paying attention to what she is saying and showing interest in her situation. Very often this is enough to help her ‘solve’ her problem. Your worth as a man and partner is not determined by how much you know and your ability to save the day. It is okay to not know. Learn to be comfortable in this state.

6. Create or allow space for silence, pause or reflection. This is gold. This is the core value of presence – just being there with the person. Your presence merged with her presence. In silence. But be well aware – shared presence cocoon in silence helps birth beautiful butterflies. But it must be welcomed, embraced and given time. You don’t need to say anything, do anything to ‘break’ the silence. It is said that if you disturb a cocoon, no butterfly will be formed. And it’s so tempting to interfere with the cocoon because it seems like nothing is happening and you wonder if it’s alive, if a butterfly is being formed. It is. Be patient and sit in the silence with your partner. Allow emotions to settle, ideas to formulate and words to be uttered when it is time. What is needed is your precious presence (this means stop fidgeting with your watch and resist the temptation to just check an email on your phone while she is silent!).

Thanks for reading so far. Yes, this looks like an article for a marriage magazine and you may be wondering what has this to do with coaching. Everything. You see, coaching is about creating a safe, open and trusting relationship with your coachee. I have used the example of boy-girl/husband-wife romantic relationship to highlight the necessity for maintaining presence and intentional creating productive presence so that we will realize that the skills required and the actions necessary are across the board. Any relationship will benefit from being present. I hope the ‘article’ in this assessment helps increase your understanding and practice of maintaining presence with your clients.

- Maintain presence always -