Life Without T.E.A? Impossible!

I love tea and for a season used to collect different types of teas. To enjoy tea three important elements are needed – good tea leaves, hot water at the right temperature and the correct cup. One of the small joys of life is indeed a cup of tea. I thought it was clever (why didn’t I think of it?) that the three elements that make up life can be cleverly expressed in the acronym TEA. Life without T.E.A.? Impossible! This is my unshakeable conviction – all we are and do is a constant relationship and output as Thoughts, Emotions and Actions interact under the radar every moment of our lives.

This conviction was established many years ago as I worked to deal with my destructive manifestation of anger and my unplanned but so welcomed stumble upon Positive Psychology. In a nutshell, I discovered that emotions are signals, sending messages to us to raise awareness on a matter and to encourage specific action(s). In my case my emotion of anger was calling attention to certain expectations I had on my wife and a childhood trauma that was left unattended. It was time then to dig deep into what I was believing and demanding (especially from my wife). After getting over the surprised of what I actually was believing and expecting, I made the decision to drop my demands and to create new beliefs. And yes, when these changes took effect, my dangerous actions almost all disappeared. It was hot scalding T.E.A. but when contained and managed well, what was meant for evil became a blessing. The genesis of my Emotional Management course is from this hot cup of T.E.A I experienced so many years ago.

It was therefore with joy and relief to see and hear Coach Mel introduce T.E.A and how he so well brought our focus to the central role our thoughts, emotions and actions play in all our life situations, even in the lives of our clients. Yes, to go deep, I believe a coach just has to pay closer attention to the T.E.A. our clients share intentionally or through their words and stories. Indeed, there is a relationship between thoughts, feelings and behaviors– changing one of the parts would have an effect on any the others. If we are in the business of helping our clients change in order to arrive at their desired destination, having times mulling over our client’s T.E.A is a must.

You Are What You Think

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), a thought is an image, idea, opinion or any other product of a cognitive behavior in which hypothetical elements of thought are experienced or manipulated. Something else in the given description by APA caught my attention – thoughts are covert, not directly observable but must be inferred from actions or self-reports. In other words, what you do and say reveal what your thoughts. In my Emotion Management counselling sessions, I pay close attention to how my client talks about what has happened or what was done. I guess I will now transfer these skills to coaching armed with an array of powerful questions provided in this sessions pdf to help my client reveal his thoughts as he answers the questions laid before him.

Change begins from within and unless our thinking isn’t addressed, the driver behind why we feel and act in a certain way will continue to steer us a way from our desired destination. We must change the attention of our thoughts because what we think influences how we behave and what we feel. This means that most, if not all, of our problems we experience is nothing more than a thinking problem. The ‘real problem’ is how we think about our problem. The ‘real answer’ then is in examining our present thoughts, evaluating them, modifying or creating new thoughts that are endlessly fed through your mind. This awareness and modification can be accelerated in a coaching session with the right questions.

I’ll end this segment on thoughts with a quote from author and NLP master trainer Michael Neill:

It is not the thoughts that pass your head that impact your life; it’s the one you take possession of and think about all day long. Once we agree to give our attention to a thought, it becomes more and more real to us over time and has more and more power over our life.”

It’s My Emotions Calling Again

As mentioned in our pdf notes, and I agree wholeheartedly is the view that our emotions appraise and summarize an experience and inform us of our corresponding actions. With this in mind, coaches can accept emotions (especially the ones expressed by their clients) as assistants in the coaching process, highlighting inner conflict or incongruence with what is known and what is to be done, especially when it comes to change. When coaching for change, pay special attention to the emotion(s) the client experiences as they signal inner activity in the mind and heart of your client.

Author Ron Edmonson highlights seven possible emotional responses to change. Being aware of these emotions can help you better coach your client through change. Here are the seven emotions:

• Fear – change leads you into the unknown
• Grief – something significant is losts or left behind in change
• Enthusiasm – a helpful emotion most of the time when change is pursued but in a group context it my cause friction
• Anger – long-held beliefs or unconscious beliefs can be challenged when change happens
• Confusion – change takes us to new places and leave us feeling unsure of what to do
• Loneliness – change may take us away from people and a sense of emptiness results
• Sadness – separation of relationships and routines can create a profound sense of sadness
• Numbness – especially when change happens fast, people don’t even know how to feel or haven’t caught up with their feelings.

Next time when your client is in the midst of change, watch for and find ways to acknowledge these emotions and listen to what each emotion is signaling as well as the corresponding action(s) it is suggesting. Just remember, where there is change, there are emotions and they are there to help if properly responded to.

Your Actions Speak Louder

Commenting on the phrase above, Collins Dictionary says that if this phrase is used, you mean people’s actions show their real attitude, rather than what they say. This expression is said to be used to encourage positive actions. This phrase, and many similar ones, reveal what we already know – a person’s true character and identity is often reveal my their honest, unbridled, repetitive action even if something different is confessed or shouted repeatedly!

“What did you do?” followed by “What does this tell others about you?” can be two powerful questions to help your client realize what message she is actually sending out and what may need to be changed. Repentance in the Bible is not the act of saying you are sorry but the consistent deliberate new action taken to reveal a change in heart and/or identity. Jesus words - ‘You shall know a tree by its fruit’ and ‘So produce fruit that is consistent with repentance [demonstrating new behavior that proves a change of heart, and a conscious decision to turn away from sin]’ – highlight the principle that new actions reveal change has happened. In leading our clients towards change, a change in behavior that is consistent is a good sign change has happened.

What can be done to bring about a change in action? The obvious answer is to change your belief and hinge it on an emotion that is desirable. When helping a client change, these two elements must be in the change equation – a modified or new belief and an accompanying desirable emotion. Questions like “What would you believe in order to encourage this desired action?” and “How would you feel once you act in this new way?” could help put your client on the right path for change, seen clearly via new actions.

For change to happen, your client may also need the following encouragers:

• An example – “Who has done what you want to do?”
• A goal – “What one thing could you do today to bring you closer to your desired action?”
• Feedback – “How can I know what you have done?”
• Habit – “What can you perform often enough to be a habit that supports your desired action?”
• Ease –“How can you make doing this action easier?”
• Peer pressure – “Who can you partner with to develop this action together?”

A cup of tea at the end of the day allows you to unwind, reflect and plan for a better tomorrow. Taking time with your client to reflect on her Thoughts, Emotions and Actions almost always will enable her to plan her way ahead, a way to be who she desires and to do what she aspires. Don’t forget to have a T.E.A session with your clients who want to change.