Life Without T.E.A? Impossible!

I love tea and for a season used to collect different types of teas. To enjoy tea three important elements are needed – good tea leaves, hot water at the right temperature and the correct cup. One of the small joys of life is indeed a cup of tea. I thought it was clever (why didn’t I think of it?) that the three elements that make up life can be cleverly expressed in the acronym TEA. Life without T.E.A.? Impossible! This is my unshakeable conviction – all we are and do is a constant relationship and output as Thoughts, Emotions and Actions interact under the radar every moment of our lives.

This conviction was established many years ago as I worked to deal with my destructive manifestation of anger and my unplanned but so welcomed stumble upon Positive Psychology. In a nutshell, I discovered that emotions are signals, sending messages to us to raise awareness on a matter and to encourage specific action(s). In my case my emotion of anger was calling attention to certain expectations I had on my wife and a childhood trauma that was left unattended. It was time then to dig deep into what I was believing and demanding (especially from my wife). After getting over the surprised of what I actually was believing and expecting, I made the decision to drop my demands and to create new beliefs. And yes, when these changes took effect, my dangerous actions almost all disappeared. It was hot scalding T.E.A. but when contained and managed well, what was meant for evil became a blessing. The genesis of my Emotional Management course is from this hot cup of T.E.A I experienced so many years ago.

It was therefore with joy and relief to see and hear Coach Mel introduce T.E.A and how he so well brought our focus to the central role our thoughts, emotions and actions play in all our life situations, even in the lives of our clients. Yes, to go deep, I believe a coach just has to pay closer attention to the T.E.A. our clients share intentionally or through their words and stories. Indeed, there is a relationship between thoughts, feelings and behaviors– changing one of the parts would have an effect on any the others. If we are in the business of helping our clients change in order to arrive at their desired destination, having times mulling over our client’s T.E.A is a must.

You Are What You Think

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), a thought is an image, idea, opinion or any other product of a cognitive behavior in which hypothetical elements of thought are experienced or manipulated. Something else in the given description by APA caught my attention – thoughts are covert, not directly observable but must be inferred from actions or self-reports. In other words, what you do and say reveal what your thoughts. In my Emotion Management counselling sessions, I pay close attention to how my client talks about what has happened or what was done. I guess I will now transfer these skills to coaching armed with an array of powerful questions provided in this sessions pdf to help my client reveal his thoughts as he answers the questions laid before him.

Change begins from within and unless our thinking isn’t addressed, the driver behind why we feel and act in a certain way will continue to steer us a way from our desired destination. We must change the attention of our thoughts because what we think influences how we behave and what we feel. This means that most, if not all, of our problems we experience is nothing more than a thinking problem. The ‘real problem’ is how we think about our problem. The ‘real answer’ then is in examining our present thoughts, evaluating them, modifying or creating new thoughts that are endlessly fed through your mind. This awareness and modification can be accelerated in a coaching session with the right questions.

I’ll end this segment on thoughts with a quote from author and NLP master trainer Michael Neill:

It is not the thoughts that pass your head that impact your life; it’s the one you take possession of and think about all day long. Once we agree to give our attention to a thought, it becomes more and more real to us over time and has more and more power over our life.”

It’s My Emotions Calling Again

As mentioned in our pdf notes, and I agree wholeheartedly is the view that our emotions appraise and summarize an experience and inform us of our corresponding actions. With this in mind, coaches can accept emotions (especially the ones expressed by their clients) as assistants in the coaching process, highlighting inner conflict or incongruence with what is known and what is to be done, especially when it comes to change. When coaching for change, pay special attention to the emotion(s) the client experiences as they signal inner activity in the mind and heart of your client.

Author Ron Edmonson highlights seven possible emotional responses to change. Being aware of these emotions can help you better coach your client through change. Here are the seven emotions:

• Fear – change leads you into the unknown
• Grief – something significant is losts or left behind in change
• Enthusiasm – a helpful emotion most of the time when change is pursued but in a group context it my cause friction
• Anger – long-held beliefs or unconscious beliefs can be challenged when change happens
• Confusion – change takes us to new places and leave us feeling unsure of what to do
• Loneliness – change may take us away from people and a sense of emptiness results
• Sadness – separation of relationships and routines can create a profound sense of sadness
• Numbness – especially when change happens fast, people don’t even know how to feel or haven’t caught up with their feelings.

Next time when your client is in the midst of change, watch for and find ways to acknowledge these emotions and listen to what each emotion is signaling as well as the corresponding action(s) it is suggesting. Just remember, where there is change, there are emotions and they are there to help if properly responded to.

Your Actions Speak Louder

Commenting on the phrase above, Collins Dictionary says that if this phrase is used, you mean people’s actions show their real attitude, rather than what they say. This expression is said to be used to encourage positive actions. This phrase, and many similar ones, reveal what we already know – a person’s true character and identity is often reveal my their honest, unbridled, repetitive action even if something different is confessed or shouted repeatedly!

“What did you do?” followed by “What does this tell others about you?” can be two powerful questions to help your client realize what message she is actually sending out and what may need to be changed. Repentance in the Bible is not the act of saying you are sorry but the consistent deliberate new action taken to reveal a change in heart and/or identity. Jesus words - ‘You shall know a tree by its fruit’ and ‘So produce fruit that is consistent with repentance [demonstrating new behavior that proves a change of heart, and a conscious decision to turn away from sin]’ – highlight the principle that new actions reveal change has happened. In leading our clients towards change, a change in behavior that is consistent is a good sign change has happened.

What can be done to bring about a change in action? The obvious answer is to change your belief and hinge it on an emotion that is desirable. When helping a client change, these two elements must be in the change equation – a modified or new belief and an accompanying desirable emotion. Questions like “What would you believe in order to encourage this desired action?” and “How would you feel once you act in this new way?” could help put your client on the right path for change, seen clearly via new actions.

For change to happen, your client may also need the following encouragers:

• An example – “Who has done what you want to do?”
• A goal – “What one thing could you do today to bring you closer to your desired action?”
• Feedback – “How can I know what you have done?”
• Habit – “What can you perform often enough to be a habit that supports your desired action?”
• Ease –“How can you make doing this action easier?”
• Peer pressure – “Who can you partner with to develop this action together?”

A cup of tea at the end of the day allows you to unwind, reflect and plan for a better tomorrow. Taking time with your client to reflect on her Thoughts, Emotions and Actions almost always will enable her to plan her way ahead, a way to be who she desires and to do what she aspires. Don’t forget to have a T.E.A session with your clients who want to change.

 

 

 

 

PETER'S COACHING MODEL

Alright, here we are at Module 19 – Create Your Coaching Model. Oh wow, how scary! How exciting! Not only do I not need to use any one of the already existing Coaching Models (though I could and they are all fantastic), I get to create my own Coaching Model, a model I align with and it aligns back to who I am and what I represent! Like I said, scary yet exciting!

Thanks Coach Mel for giving us during the web-torial a Four Step Guide on How to Create Your Model but a thousand apologies for not using it. Instead, here is how I have gone about trying to form my own Coaching Model.

I began by imagining what I would do if I was coaching someone (who this niche someone, my Avatar, she is still rather vague though some options are forming in my mind). What are the steps I would take her through? What would my coaching process cover? I tried my best to use the existing, renowned and often referred to Coaching Models such as GROW, FUEL, and OSCAR to guide me when it came to key bases to cover, common keywords and basic, powerful questions to use. I also tried to incorporate all that we have learnt so far especially ICF’s Core Competencies, making sure they could be slotted into my soon-to-be created model.

As my ideas formed and steps became clear, I was glad to see a five-step process forming, similar to existing models yet representing what I remembered, understood and would want to use if I was coaching someone. I threw down key ideas and any questions I would probably ask my client in each step of the process. Soon my five columns were filled with scribbled words and questions, lending a picture of how my Coaching Model would look like.

If I were to coach someone, this is how I would go about doing it.

I often begin by asking, “What do you want to achieve in this session?” because I love knowing why my client is seeing me and what she wants to see happening at the end of the session. In other words, what’s the purpose of the coaching session. The client and I need to be clear on this matter at the very beginning. Similar questions I would ask include, “At the end of the session what do you want to see happen?”, “What is your desired outcome for this session?”, “What do you want to address (look into, solve, change)?” and “Why are you here?”. I finally settled on Goal Creating as the title for this first step, where my aim is to help the client and I be clear where she wants to Go and what she wants to Get from the coaching session.

Once this is clear I think it is vital my client and I understand her present situation, to know what she is experiencing today which has led her to seek my assistance. I need to understand the context she is presently in and the where the problem is housed in.  Some questions I may ask are, “What is encouraging you to create this goal?”, “How are you presently?”, “What has happened to cause the need for this goal?”, “Tell me more about your current situation” and “Is this a common or repeated experience?”. For this step in my coaching process, I entitled it Understanding the Present Situation, aiming at this stage to uncover and understand the backstory, context and possible contributors for my client’s condition.

So now I know where my client’s at. Next, I want to know where my client would like to be, what she wants to see happen or experience in her life. At this stage it is important my client and I are clear as to what the desired outcome looks and feels like. Key questions would include, “When your goal is achieved, how would your life look like?”, “What would be different?”, “What would happen when your goal is achieved?” and “Describe your future life after you discovered your solution and experienced success.” The finally settled for Imagined Desired Future as the name for the third step in my coaching process, aimed at identifying the client’s desired outcome after the coaching is over.

The fourth step has been heralded as the most important in many of the other models – deciding on a solution, creating a plan and taking necessary action to realize it. Here I imagine myself challenging my client to bring out options (possibilities) on how she could and want to address her challenge or situation, believing that the answer is already available in the coachee. After alternative courses of action have been identified, my client will be encouraged select one she is mot able to do and would like to do. Then it’s identifying the steps to be taken, the resources need and the people who will be able to assist her along the way. Possible questions for this segment would be, “What do you need to do?”, “What could you do to execute this idea?”, “What do you need to get to make this plan work?”, “Who do you know who could help you?” and “What will you do today?”. For this segment, I titled it Doing What’s Needed with the main purpose of identifying possible actions, selecting one and then doing it.

Lastly, when my client begins to do what has been planned and agreed upon, it is so necessary for an accountability mechanism to be set in place to ensure what is agreed upon gets worked upon until completion. Milestones need to be identified, a timeline to monitor progress and to see what’s next and ahead. Lastly, plans for celebrating key successes will be good to be set in place. Together with my client, ways to measure success needs to be identified and/or created, some form of assessment and reporting back would be good to have in place too. If this is successfully created and implemented, then sharing the journey towards the client’s success, making necessary tweaks along the way and ensuring sustained actions to make the imagined outcome a reality. Questions here would include “What are the key indicators of your progress?”, “How long would it take?”, “How would you like to celebrate each key milestone reached?”, “Who will you have as your accountability partner?”, and “How would I know of your progress?’. What shall I call this section? Maybe Evaluate and Encourage Progress and the aim is to ensure accountability and progress worthy of celebration.

So, what do we have? What cute and comprehensive acronym can I create to represent these five steps, making easy for me to remember and explain and for my client and I to use to guide us along our coaching experience?

I initially hoped my acronym would be SHINE or LIGHT as that is how I see myself as a coach – shining a light into the darkness of my client’s mind and world, helping her see her situation and her solution that is in her. I wish to be a guiding light, enabling my client to see the path she selects/creates and to move boldly forward. I see myself as a companion in her journey from her preset situation to her desired destination, shining the torchlight along the way. Alas, I reached many dead ends trying to make my five-step process fit either one of these acronyms. 

But all is not lost. I believe the key words for each of the five segments I identified can create another acronym that carries a message or theme similar to SHINE or LIGHT. This would be GUIDE!

Goal Creating – Go where, Get what? “What do you want?”

Understand Situation –
aware of current condition. “What is your present situation?”

Imagined Future – clear picture of desired future. “What do you want to see happen?”

Do the Work – actions to be taken. “What will you do?”

Evaluate and Encourage Progress – installing accountability and celebration. “What have you done?”

I like the acronym GUIDE because some aspects of this word in its original meaning covers what I see myself as and see myself doing when coaching a client using this newly minted model. I understand and interpret ‘guide’ here much in the context of the function of a lighthouse which helps guide a ship safely to port at night or during a storm as well as signal potential dangers along the way. In the same way, my client is the master of her own ship and may have a desired destination. Even so, she may be facing difficulty reaching that destination because of storms in her life (emotional, social, financial etc.) or is in the dark of her situation or how to go from A to B. As a coach, I see myself guiding her to her desired port, helping her navigate her life while raising awareness of potential challenges and conditions (internal and external) so that she is able to arrive safely and successfully.

As such I believe GUIDE is a suitable acronym to represent my coaching process and style and reflect its function as well as how I see myself as a coach.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER . . .

After submitting my idea to Coach Mel and the other coaches, as well as my teammates, I got back some vital and constructive feedback and back to the drawing board I went to correct and improve on my original albeit draft model. A big thank you to Coach Mel who challenged me to discover what were my real intentions behind each acronym and to Coach Wendy for insights on my questions. In the end this was what I came up with:

Using this table as my guide, I went to Canva, got a free template and created my very own coaching model infographic for GUIDE!

 

What Are Your Strengths? What Are Your Weaknesses?

Many years ago, I came across a book by Marcus Buckingham that cemented the idea that I would be better off focusing and maximizing my strengths instead of fussing about and fixing my weaknesses. I was glad to learn from Web-torial 22 that coaching is also a strength focused service that seeks to help the coachee access their potential through their capabilities and strengths. But what is a strength? Allow me to share some insights from Marcus Buckingham on this topic:

A strength is not what you are good at, and a weakness is not what you are bad at. A strength is an activity that strengthens you. It draws you in, it makes time fly by while you’re doing it, and it makes you feel strong. Based on this understanding, the coachee then is the most qualified to recognize and identify his strengths. It also means everyone has strengths and they are as unique and diverse as the person owning them.

The flip side of a strength based coaching approach is a fixing-issues coaching style which I believe could lend itself to seeking problems to solve and come close to elements of counselling and/or therapy, something we would not want to do in our coaching sessions. Coaching is forward focused and when we pay attention to our coachee’s strengths, discovering ways ahead and uncovering potential possibilities becomes easier and exciting. Progress then becomes possible and our clients are more optimistic in creating and executing their action plans based on their strengths. In short, “Connect with Strengths and the Right Commitment of Actions follow.”

There seems to be an array of methods one could use to discover one’s strengths, from a simple series of interviews with people close to us to personal reflection exercises to taking some serious and scientifically proven strength identification tests. Concerning the last method mentioned, Gallup’s Clifton StrengthsFinder™ seems to be a clear favorite and a good place to begin. I have yet to wrap my brain around how this assessment will help me and my client achieve our goals and be our best but a visit to the Gallup website provides convincing and exciting information to address my doubts. Also, I believe the USD 49.99 investment would clear most of my doubts (but that’s for another day).

Here’s what the Gallup website has to say about this strength assessment. It is the way to

• discover what you naturally do best
• learn how to develop your greatest talents into strengths
• use your personalized results and reports to maximize your potential

It only takes 177 questions to uncover the one true you. But it takes commitment to become the best you. Complete the CliftonStrengths assessment to unlock the personalized reports and resources you need to maximize your potential. Your customized CliftonStrengths reports and guides help you chart your course to accomplish great things using the true north of what you naturally do best. The results, presented in statements explain exactly how each of your Signature Themes makes you stand out in the world. The pinpoint accuracy will leave you inspired and empowered with a newfound self-awareness. What I love most is the acknowledgement that with the help of a coach, guided by the assessment results, a coachee will be able to unlock her potential and succeed in every facet of life. Looks like another great tool to have in my coaching toolbox!

So, what is the use (to the coachee) in knowing her strengths? I am thankful to have the following guide provided in the lesson’s pdf download:

Ask the coachee to reflect on her strengths. Here are some of the questions I liked:

• What surprised you? What delighted you? What frustrated you
• What strengths may help in overcoming weaknesses?
• Where might strengths be overdone?
• How can these strengths be used to reach your goal(s)?

Ask coachee to review and reflect on key strengths daily. This is to raise awareness about her daily expressions of her strengths. Here are some questions to ask:

• What can you do to amplify your strengths?
• How can you use your strengths in order to achieve a goal?

Ask coachee to write a Personal Strength Statement. This is to energize the coachee and to help her work best utilizing her strengths to the maximum.

 The icing on the cake for this web-torial came at the end when we were all left amazed and awed with Daniel Ofman’s Core Quadrant®. It just showed up and exposed who we are and all that we are encountering daily plus the pointers where we can change to maximize success. All in four squares! Indeed, the notes for this quadrant sums it well: it helps them do a Deeper Dive into the complexity of their Strengths, exploring the extremes and opposites of each core quality.

Here’s a summary of the four quadrants:

1. Core quality: a recognized, foundational strength a the client — something widely understood and appreciated as valuable.
2. Pitfall: it’s always possible to have too much of a good thing; this is when a core quality is overused and comes across as an over-strength.
3. Challenge: If we build awareness about the pitfall then we can gain insight into the client’s required adaptive behavior that would be worthwhile to have in order to avoid succumbing to the pitfall.
4. Allergy: the client may feel an aversion to the new behavior (Challenge) if it feels too much the opposite of the core quality or when it is seen in others. 

What I like about this model is it helps me/client identify very quickly two key areas we can work on after identifying a key strength (maybe from the Clifton Assessment):

• My Challenge: a positive quality that I should aim to achieve. A good question to ask would be "What do others wish you had more of"?
• My Allergy: the extreme of my Challenge that I notice in others. A good question to ask would be "What do you despise in others"?

These are two areas when identified and responded properly can bring much change in attitude, behavior, communication and relationships. A great too for self-awareness and self-transformation that begins with identifying my strengths. I also love the questions that could be asked for each quadrant, all helpful in raising awareness and deciding further action.

Looking forward for opportunities to use these amazing tools/methods in the coming days as a coach!

It is one thing to believe a certain medicine works and precribe it to others and it's another thing altogether when you take the same medicine you are precribing to others. thanks Coach Mel for the question and here's a snapshot of Ohman's Quadrant when applied to me.

What am I realizing when I place my Strengths into the Quadrant? Here are some insights:

Strength (Core Quality: TALKATIVE - yes I love to talk, to teach, to explain. I feel excited and comfortable whenever I get a chance to speak. I appreciate this strength and do expect others to be more communicative.

Pitfall: RAMBLING - I can just go on and on, explaining, telling stories, filling up time. A common comment is "Once he starts talking it's difficult for him to stop." I tend to justify myself when I talk to much or hog the conversation.

Challenge: CONCISE - To be clear what needs to be said, say only it and then shut up. It's a strength I admire in speakers I admire and something I sometimes wonder I could improve on.

Allergy: AMBIGUOUS - just can't stand people who when speak are neither here or there, their ideas are all over the place and I have no idea what they are actually trying to say. It is something I would need to consider and determine a more positive response.

 

 

 

 

 

Neurological Levels And Coaching

An early NLP model that offers so much in terms of executing change and identifying areas for focus when seeking to get unstuck. That was my initial conclusion as I bombarded myself with YouTube videos and articles on Neurological Levels to catchup on Web-torial 21 that I was not able to attend.

Usually presented as a pyramid, it could be used for personal development and to describe the change processes we experience with a focus on goal achievement and personal development. I just love the potential assistance this model offers. The concept of levels – stages where we are at or could be – helps pinpoint where to focus when seeking change and what areas to work on as we endeavor to develop and move on in the pursuit of our goals.

In short, every goal you want to achieve or a problem in your life bothering you is within one of these levels. Once we understand this model, we can use it to understand where our problem is at and use the different levels in order to solve it.

Related to a core practice in coaching, each level has a set of questions, each specific to that level. Once a present level is identified, as a coach I can then proceed to ask related questions suitable to that level or a level up (especially when seeking to get unstuck or see progress). It’s exciting to see how this NLP model ties in with a key coaching practice (asking powerful questions).

Levels Explained Briefly

Here are the six levels commonly presented and briefly explained. As a side note it is interesting to note that in general higher levels are believed to have a greater effect on lower levels than vice versa and changes made at the higher levels have greater and obvious impact.

1. Environment – our temporal surroundings and space that is experienced externally; can be answered with the questions "Where?", "When?", "Who?", "With whom?", "Who else?".
2. Behavior – our actions and reactions; “What” is the key question here
3. Skills – the capabilities we have to execute our behaviors in certain environments. It’s the knowing, thinking and feeling, including awareness behind the abilities manifested; the question here is "How?".
4. Beliefs/Values – this level refers to the beliefs, the convictions, the values, the inner criteria that underlie one’s actions (consciously and unconsciously), the actual motives of a person, guiding ideas that is believed to be true and guides the use of his abilities; “Why” is the key question.
5. Identity – this is the level where he constructs his self-image, the ideas he constructs about himself and his behavior. “Who” is the obvious question here.
6. Vision – sometimes seen as the spiritual level, it’s about place and contribution at the professional, family, social or religious affiliation level; It is about the "big questions" in life: "Why do we live?", "Why are we here?", "What is the meaning of life?

Using Comments to Identify Levels

A powerful yet simple way to connect these levels in our coaching is to identify a key comment made by our client and identify its relation to the six levels. For example, the following comment – “I can’t do that here” - highlights five of the key levels in one sentence. Where the person emphasizes a word will often bring out, which logical level needs to be addressed and to take action.

• “I can’t do that here” – Emphasis on the identity level: Who could do the job? What could I do?
•  “I can’t do that here” – Emphasis on the beliefs and values level: What keeps me away from doing the task? Who told me that I am not made for to do that?
•  “I can’t do that here” – Emphasis on the capability level: Do I need additional skills, techniques or methods to proceed?
•  “I can’t do that here” – Emphasis on the behavior level: What kind of actions can I do? Does the task have a positive intention? Is it in accordance with my personal development?
•  “I can’t do that here” – Emphasis on the environment level: Where, when, with whom could I take action? What is my ideal working environment? What time of the day will be best?

Levels in Coaching

From what has been presented, when a client presents a problem, I can see how I could use this model to help my client see where they are at, identify what is causing them problems and see where they can change to create progress. My client could say: “I can’t get clients into my coaching program.” In order to assist my client to clarify her situation and identify what could be done, I could use these levels to decide how I would guide her with my questions.

Environment – How is your present location affecting the number of clients you are attracting? What is present where you are that could help you get more clients? Sometimes a change in the environment or a change of environment can bring a desired change.

Behavior – What are you doing to get clients? What could you do to get more clients? Sometimes what we are doing (or not doing) contribute to the problem. Changing this can result in desired change.

Skills/Capabilities – How could you improve on what you have done? What one ability if improved on would help you get more clients? Every goal we have demands certain capabilities to achieve it. Improving or learning a new skill could be what the client needs.

Beliefs - What is important to you here? Why do you do what you are doing? What do you believe about ‘getting clients’? We form beliefs about what is possible or impossible, necessary or unnecessary and so on. A certain belief may be hindering my client from attracting new clients. Once tweaked, her solution may be just around the corner.

Identity – Who are you in this situation? What do you think about yourself when you take steps to get clients? A change in the “I am” of my client will automatically create new beliefs which will create more capabilities which will create more behaviors. .  . which will help her get more clients.

Vision/Purpose – How does getting clients encourage you towards your vision in life? A clear purpose/mission for having clients sometimes can give the necessary encouragement and guidance to how this situation could be resolved.

Indeed this is a great tool to generate awareness and to clue me in as to where my attention could be directed towards as I guide my client in unravelling her present condition and identifying what steps could be taken to promote progress and change.

 

Of Words, Filters and Styles (I Hear You)

What you say betrays what’s in you. Everything that enters and exits your mind is filtered. You have a preferred way to communicate. This in short, are the three lessons I picked up from web-torial 20 Filters and Styles. As with all the other web-torial, these lessons are both applicable to the coach as well as the coachee and if understood, given attention and responded to properly, will increase awareness and effectiveness.

Your Words Betray You

Jesus is recorded to have said that from the abundance of the heart, we speak and what we speak is just a revelation of what is in us, in our mind and heart. Thus, paying attention to our selected words when speaking can be very beneficial in revealing our true nature, our beliefs and values as well as our self-imposed blocks towards success. I enjoyed Coach Mel’s emphasis and example’s on how even one sentence from a client contains so much revelation if we just pick up key words and emotions our client attaches to a just uttered sentence. Indeed, there is ‘so much behind everything said’ and every repeated or emphasized word is full of meanings and is multi-layered. Our client’s tongue will always reveal what is lurking in her psyche and it is our responsibility to be aware of the language being used, the way the words are spoken and certain trends that may begin to form as she continues speaking.

We are enormously revealing to others if we know how to recognize the content and style of our words. This is what The Secret Life of Pronouns author and University of Texas psychologist James Pennebaker described in his book and TEDx talk. When listening to words people use, he says confident people use fewer “I” words as well as older people who also tend to use more positive emotional words. He also discovered one’s health is more likely to improve with the increased use of cognitive words (know, realize, understand) and open, honest conversations about traumatic or painful life experiences. So, pay attention to style words your clients use (conjunctions, pronouns, prepositions) and how they describe things or themselves.

It's All Filtered

Next, from the NLP communication model, we were introduced to Filters, the process we all employ that produces the things we say in the way we say them. So looks like what I think and say and what my client thinks and say has all been filtered through one or more of three recognized filters – Delete, Distort and/or Generalize.  Here then is what I currently understand about these filters we apply to filter incoming information relevance.

• Delete – We use this to remove everything we consider irrelevant so that we have room to focus on what is considered important to us at any given time.
• Distort – This usually happens at an unconscious level and is used to distort our perceptions in such a way so we are not hindered by them. This would usually be changing what a thing may represent to us (for example sickness is not a source of pain but an opportunity to practice patience and faith). This filter helps protect us and keep us in the positive.
• Generalize – a process where from only one or a few experiences a conclusion is created. This has its advantages and disadvantages. For example, as a child you hear from your parents and teachers repeatedly that you are stupid and soon you come to believe it. As an adult, whenever you fail at a task, the conclusion is the same – “I am stupid” – though there may be many other possible reasons.

These filters and their effect on our clients play an important role in understanding and creating awareness both for us as coaches as well as for our clients. By being aware of their effects, we can better perceive reality and help our clients see how often they mislead themselves or hide behind these perception filters. This is certainly important to know when seeking to create or raise awareness in our client’s mind.

Love Your Communication Style

Lastly, we were required to take a VAKAD test and I got 37 for AD and 32 for K which in general says that my preferred communicative style is Auditory Digital meaning I prefer to deal with logic and tend to talk to myself, using a collection of word symbols and the rules that govern their use to best communicate with the world. But what is VAKAD? It stands for Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic and Audio-Digital, the four sensory modalities used in NLP to determine which representational system and individual prefers when processing and sharing information. Using this NLP Representational Systems, we can accelerate our ability to know how our mind works and helps us unlock and access a wealth of information inside us and to connect with our clients. It also helps us understand how our clients internally represent their everyday experiences.

A dead giveaway in identifying which modality you and/or your client’s function from is the words they use when describing situations or themselves. A Visual person will use visual words like: see, looks, appear, imagine, crystal clear. The Auditory person will go for words like can you hear, sounds good, all ears, that rings a bell and How does that sound to you?. On the other hand a Kinesthetic person may say words such as grasp, get a hold of, catch on, tap into and Can you handle this?. Lastly the Audio-Digital person will usually be found saying I understand, consider, know, perceive and Does that make sense?

Each modality reveals itself in unique ways through certain common characteristics. Being aware of this helps you understand your client – how she processes and presents information during a session for example – and gives you clues as to how best you reflect and relay feedback and questions to your client. Here are some generalizations on the characteristics of people with a preference for one of the four modalities.

Visual

• Organized, neat and well groomed and they expect the same from you.
• Visualization and imagination are key in getting insights and making decisions. Metaphors are important when communicating with them
• They see and speak from a big picture or a series of pictures. This is commonly results in them speaking faster, seem disjointed when sharing information and resorting to using pictures to explain something.

Auditory

• Learn by listening and asking questions
• Talk through problems with someone available as a sounding board
• Aware of voice tone change and distracted by noise

Kinesthetic

• Learn by doing, moving or touching
• Make decisions based on feelings
• They tend to speak slower and stand closer – helps them get in touch with how they feel about the topic and the listener’s energy.

Audio-Digital

• Have a need to make sense of the world, to figure things out, to understand
• Learn by working things out in their mind and by talking to themselves.
• Generally not open to spontaneity as they like to think things through.

I am fascinated by this NLP tool as it has helped describe me and very quickly reveals how important it is for me to be aware from which modality my client is operating from so I can respond and relate effectively thus enabling understanding and awareness to quickly be present. Identifying which Representational System my client is using guided by common generalized characteristics or by taking an assessment may be a good thing to do at the early stages of coaching especially if there is a block or interference in communication during the coaching sessions.

Models For Coaching Effectively

I love models. They are so helpful in illustrating key points, determining main factors and milestones and serve as a faithful guide to the ignorant and struggling. Models show in a diagram or acronym each step required in the correct order, helping the user master the matter at hand, muster the right moves and march to the desired point confidently. These illustrated diagrams and cleverly constructed acronyms serve as a crutch to the new clumsy user of a technique or as a scaffolding to ease the effort to master a particular skill, highlighting the steps ahead. I concur fully with Coach Mel who made it clear that models serve to provide structure and give form to the principles and action steps required to master a certain skill. It may be adhered to strictly by the ignorant and fearful but loses its necessity when the model adherent becomes confident and skillful.

In a previous life as an English supertutor, I created and used a model to help my students know what was required of them to get an A* when writing a narrative. My pyramid had 5 blocks and each block contained some key words to guide the students, clueing them in as what to write next. As long as the used the pyramid to guide their narrative, questions like “What should I write?” and “What’s after this paragraph?” become rare. Once my students got a hold of this model, they problem was not “I don’t know what to write” or “You mean I have to write 450 words!” but “I’ve got so much to write!”. The model became rail tracks that helped my students stay on track but gave them enough freedom and traction to take them faster to unrealized narrative potential they had in them. That is the power of a good model.

Thus, it was not a surprise to know that countless models to facilitate excellent coaching and enable both coach and client go through a process that would enable the creation of a successful coaching experience have been created. Though having at our fingertips a gamut of coaching models may be a good thing, I find too many cooks spoil the broth and a kaleidoscope of models just create a muddled and confusing coaching practice. So, I was relieved when Coach Mel only introduced to us three coaching models – the all time favorite and ubiquitous model in the world of coaching – the GROW model – the OSCAR model and a model he recently picked up – the FUEL model. As you can see, these models scream of cute and memorable acronyms and limit the coaching process to around four to five steps. All this is to enable understanding and the memorizing of key steps in an effective coaching session.

These popular models help coaches answer standard key questions such as “How do I begin?” and “Where do I go next?” They also serve as hooks to hang key questions needed to be asked at the appropriate time in a session. Having a model is like having a map – it tells you where you are, where is your destination, the possible route you could take and the milestones along the way. This is so good and helpful for novice coaches find their footing, build their confidence and maybe even appear knowledgeable about what he is doing. But like my English students, these models do well in the beginning stages of learning and practice and as familiarity and confidence builds, the model is either assimilated and becomes second nature or it is abandoned for a more personalized model birth from the many sessions guided by a well known and accepted existing model.

The FUEL model is a very simple guide that help guide the client through four key aspects one needs to consider when desiring to make a strategic change in order to achieve a desired but yet to be achieved goal. I love its simplicity but feels it needs more steps to make the client’s transformation process more complete. So here are the four stages, cleverly created by the acronym FUEL:

• Frame – identify the starting point; the ‘you are here now’ awareness. “Where would you like to begin?” would be an appropriate question at this stage.
• Understand – the client is then assisted in identifying what is currently working (ok) in his life that would contribute to him achieving his desired goal and also the challenges (problems, lack etc.) he is facing that may hold him back. “What is currently a challenge you face?” would be an appropriate question at this stage.
• Explore – here the client is encouraged to go deep into seeing and creating his desired state. He is encouraged to be as clear as possible about the desired end. “How would your life look like when you achieve this goal?” would be an appropriate question at this stage.
• Layout Plan – lastly the client needs to get down to the nitty gritty of actually identifying and taking the necessary steps/actions to achieve the desired goal. A plan with a timeline and identified milestones along the way seems to be appropriate. “How are you going to achieve this goal?” would be an appropriate question at this stage.

Next, we have the OSCAR model. Personally, I like this model as I was able to use it rather easily when we were shuttled off into our breakout rooms to practice using one of the introduced models. I like the flow of thought, the logical steps it provided and the ease in remembering the coaching sequence. It also allows the client to take ownership and responsibility for their issues.

• Outcome – identify what the client wants to achieve, the focus of the session. Clarity for coach and client is the aim. “What would you like to achieve from this session? would be an appropriate question here.
• Scaling/Situation – helping your client be aware of her present situation and being able to quantify it (via scaling). “On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your current condition?” would be a suitable question at this stage.
• Choices (Know-How) – helping the client identify what internal and external resources she has available and the options in responding to her current situation; the client level of confidence and competence also needs to be considered. “What options are presently available for you?” would be an appropriate question at this stage.
• Actions/Affirm – assist the client to plan out a step-by-step action plan and to take ownership of the agreed action. These agreed actions are affirmed and the client is encouraged to act. ‘What will you do now?” would be an fitting question at this level.
• Review – regular progress reports to encourage on-going active ownership as well as the celebration of reaching identified milestones. “What actions have you taken to bring you closer to your desired outcome?” could be a question to be asked at this juncture.

Lastly, we have the GROW model, considered the most famous and widely used model not only in coaching and has encouraged spin-offs to accentuate the five key components. The model was created by Sir John Whitmore, made famous in his book Coaching for Performance (purportedly the world’ #1 Coaching book). This flexible framework aims to assist the client experience transformation as she turns intention into action.

• Goals – clear goals are set for the session as well as for the short and long term. A good question to use would be “What do you want?” Sir John Whitmore stresses that “the key to using GROW successfully is to spend sufficient time exploring “G” until the coachee sets a goal which is both inspirational and stretching for them.”
• Identify and clarify the goal
• Clear understanding of principal aims and aspirations
• Clarify desired result at the end 
• Reality – enabling the client to explore her current situation. “Where are you now?” is an appropriate question at this stage.
• Assess actions taken so far
• Identify results and effects of those actions
• Understand present internal and external blocks
• Options – identifying options and alternatives strategies or possible courses of action and then selecting one that the client is able and willing to do. “What could you do?” is a simple but powerful question for your client at this stage.
• Brainstorm possibilities and alternatives
• Outline and question strategies being considered
• Will – here is when intention is transformed into action as the client identifies what is to be done, When, by Whom and affirms the Will to do it. A question to get the ball rolling? “What will you do?”
• Understand and identify what can be changed
• Create a plan of action
• Identify possible obstacles
• Scale the level of commitment required
• Highlight how accountability and achievement of goals will be ensured.

 Wow, just going through these three models, I begin to see a pattern emerging; I see key components that seem important to be identified and used in a coaching session. I also see the creativity employed by the creator of these models and how each are slightly different as the aim is slightly different and the creator-user is unique. I guess it’s like identifying how to paint a house. Many models could be created but all would share similar components – type of paints, tools and what is painted – but as to where to start, how paint strokes are to be made and many other aspects, different models will present the painting process slightly different. Different strokes for different folks.

 

Purpose and The Ikigai (CORE)

This week’s lesson was on Purpose and the introduction of Ikigai as a possible template we could use to identify our purpose in life. This on the surface looks fine and dandy but underlying the lesson is the assumption that humankind has purpose – mono or multi – and it is to be discovered, assuming one is born unaware of this purpose all humans have. So where did this assumed belief come from and why is it a (presumably) globally accepted belief? I can only answer for myself.

The belief I had purpose was drummed in early in my life as a Christian. Not only did I have purpose but my purpose was predetermined by my Creator, who, when he created me, had a purpose for me to fulfil, a purpose that helped answer the question, “Why was I created and put on planet Earth?” or in more common terms, divine purpose is the answer to man’s perennial question, “Why am I here?”. This belief was clearly highlighted to me by the declaration God made to the prophet Jeremiah, revealing his purpose for this young Jewish man.

Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I chose you. Before you were born, I set you apart. I appointed you to be a prophet to the nations. (Jeremiah 1:5)

So that was settled. I was created for a divine purpose. But discovering what it was wasn’t so easy – I did not enjoy the luxury of having God speak to me directly and audibly! The next clue came from a sentence the apostle Paul wrote to a Christian congregation in Ephesus. This sentence would eventually be a key guiding verse throughout my life when it came to the question of purpose.

For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand so we may do them. (Ephesians 2:10)

Finally, I was getting some insight. God’s purpose for me was related to doing good works! It took some time to unravel what could possibly be in Paul’s mind when he used the phrase ‘good works’ but I boiled it down to three components. It was doing what God wanted (keep his commandments), benefitting other humans (work that was other-centered) and done excellently (doing my best in all I do). So, whatever my purpose was, it would be in line with God’s principles, benefit others and demand my best. Got it.

But there were no specifics yet. I could not say like Jeremiah, “My purpose is to be a prophet to the nations.” This need to be specific as to what actually was my God-given purpose only came about when I left school to serve in the Christian community (Church) full-time. I realized there were many things I could do – preach, feed the poor, teach Sunday School, go to Africa as a missionary etc. – so I inquired from the Being himself as to what his specific purpose for me might be. Raised in a Christian community that believed all communication between man and God was through the Bible, I began to read it eagerly, just as any university applicant would read letters from universities he had applied to, scanning to see the desired answer.

In a very short time I came across a verse (sentence) in the Bible that jumped out at me and I was convinced it was God’s answer to my question: What is your purpose for creating me? It was from an answer the prophet Samuel gave to Israel’s first king, Saul, when he was appointed sovereign over Israel.

I will instruct you in the way that is good and upright. (1 Samuel 12:23)

For the next 30 years I spent my life instructing (teaching) Christians on the many facets of their faith and had a blast. Teaching excited me and energized me. I found meaning in what I did and I never grew tired of the whole process required for every lesson to finally see the light of day. But all good things must come to an end. My days of service in the Christian community came to an end and I once again was confronted with the question: Why am I here and what am I to do with my life?

By now, I was married and I remember my wife and I taking a few days to ruminate on this question in our favorite place here in Malaysia – Cameron Highlands. Holed up in a cheap motel, under thick blankets, I pored over a book that promised to help me discover my purpose – What Color Is Your Parachute by Richard Bolles – and help me discover a lifetime of meaningful work and career success. There were a lot of exercises requiring much thought and soul searching. The results were disappointing – teaching seemed to be my best option! Duh!

Since that mountaintop revelation I have had opportunities to teach (instruct) in various forms – International School English teacher, English super tutor, certified trainer, motivational speaker, author - to name a few but it all revolved around my now accepted and believed divine purpose – to instruct/teach.

As I continued to manifest my purpose, a new question popped into my mind that demanded an answer – Why was I teaching? What was my ultimate purpose behind every instruction? To find the answer, I just had to look back at all the teaching opportunities I had and identify the shared motivation and/or desired outcome I had for all my students. It was clear. I was teaching with the purpose of assisting my students to excel, to unlock their potential, to be the best they were able to. Then it all made sense. Samuel made a commitment to King Saul to assist him be the best king he could be and so did I for all my students.

Now my purpose began to change, to broaden in scope yet provide me the parameters I needed to always be within my God-given purpose. I came to see and embrace my purpose as follows: to assist others to be the best they can be especially through the many forms of teaching/instruction giving. Today, whatever I finally agree to do and it allows me to fully manifest this purpose, I find myself excited and empowered, fulfilled and fruitful. My purpose has served as a guiding light at every career pivot or when I am overwhelmed by depression or experiencing a sense of ‘lostness’. Reminding myself of why I am here and taking small possible steps towards my purpose always restores stability, hope and energy in me.

I also believe purpose is not so much discovered as created. What is discovered is the many elements that make up the creation of your purpose but finally you are the one who comes to some kind of conclusion and formulate a sentence or two as to what all you discovered seem to say about your purpose. This is why I think almost all the books and articles I have read on ‘discovering’ your purpose end up giving you a bunch of questions to guide you towards what you have and like and what you can do and contribute to society for good (good works). With a clearer and better understanding of yourself and all that makes you unique, you then would be better able to be a contributing human on this planet. Almost all life-purposes I have heard tend to have the elements of linking one’s unique gifting with one’s contribution to the betterment of at least another human.

This then is a good place to comment on Ikigai, a Japanese concept that roughly translates ‘that which gives your life purpose’. It’s similarity to the French concept of “raison d’etre” has sparked accusations that the key writers who created and popularized Ikigai modified or blended this French concept with key ideas practiced by the Japanese (especially those in Okinawa). But putting that aside, Ikigai covers the two key elements of purpose i.e. bringing meaning to your life while also contributing to the good of others. It also shares the belief that everyone has a purpose in life and deep self-reflection effort is required to discover it.

To guide us in discovering our Ikigai, four spheres of life need to be considered:

• What you love – what you do/experience that brings most joy in life and makes you feel most alive and fulfilled
• What you are good at – anything you are particularly good at including talents and skills
• What the world needs – ‘world’ here could refer to humankind in general or a niche group and our assumed or their mentioned need
• What you can get paid for – what someone else is willing to pay you for, depending on the demand for what you offer and the economic state of the people in question

It is clear you will need time to reflect and research to provide relevant answers to all four areas in order for you to piece together the jigsaw and conclude what is the something you are passionate about, good at and the world needs now and for which someone will pay you. I believe in my own pursuit to identify my Ikigai, I have looked at 3 of the spheres – love, good at, needed by the world – but I have rarely if ever considered someone paying me for it. My struggle with imposter syndrome and self-limiting belief that what I offer has very little financial worth has limited me from making money from my Ikigai and has left me struggling financially often.

If I were to embrace this Japanese concept (which I have problems doing due to my aversion to all things related to Eastern ideologies and philosophies) then I think I would need to add the following to my purpose: to assist others to be the best they can be especially through the many forms of teaching/instruction giving and be paid for it.

It is clear then that we have purpose, we discover and create it and our accepted purpose gives us meaning and energy for life. As coaches, I then conclude that coaching should align with our purpose and enabling our clients discover their purpose could be a key factor in assisting them be who they want to be.